NERV Psychiatric Ward
by Epyon the Bored
Summary: The NERV Facility is being turned into said psychiatric hospital. As the story progresses, many other universes get dumped in, some who have mental problems, but mostly because the author felt like it. Warning! It's rated M for a reason.
1. Doom and Destruction for Outback!

The author does not own Neon Genesis Evangelion or any of it's characters. The Author also does not own the French Erotic Film. The author does, however, own Australia.

Hello and welcome, folks, to the new NERV PSYCHIATRIC WARD! (Cue Army wake-up call on the bugle) Now I expect a lot of reviews, because I'm not getting any on my other fics. And if there are any Gundam Wing fans out there, please go read my fic Eternal War, because no one wants to review me over there except Brax the Great, God bless his soul.

But You didn't come here for my rantings, did you? REVIEW ME OR DIE!

NERV Psychiatric Ward

Chapter One: Australia Gets Squashed and Other Shit Like That

"Ello, mate. What can aye do for-" SPLAT.

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"BARNEY!"

_"**VROOOAAAAAAAAAAAR!"** _Translation: I am NOT Barney, Dammit!

Unit 01 stomped on the Australian Prime Minister, sending several kangaroos running. Heaving the positron rifle, it squeezed off a shot, blowing Australia's sole tank off the face of the earth.

"Shinji!" Rei called from Unit 00 "Shall I take out Doctor Evil, or do you want me to get rid of the giant stuffed Sailor Moon plushie?"

"Hit the Plushie!" Shinji yelled, squeezing off a shot at the Ayers Rock Cereal Plant. "I'll have Asuka take out Doctor Evil!"

Shinji has no internal monologue, soooo…

"Oooh, Father's going to be sooooo proud of me!" Shinji squealed. "My first country! I'm taking over my FIRST COUNTRY!"

"Hey, idiot!" Kawouru yelled. "I see a big Kangaroozilla coming your way!"

"Fuck off, bitch!" Shnji yelled at Kawouru, giving the silver Evangelion the Finger of Doom.

The massive orange Kangaroo stomped closer, leaving footprints the size of Lilith's Gazoombas in it's wake. The Author's green Unit 05 kept prodding it in the ass (And WHAT AN ASS!) with the Lance of Longinus.

The Author grumbled on and on. Grumble. Grumble grumble grumble. GRU-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-UMBLE!

"NO!NONONONONONONONONONO! I'LL KILL IT MYSELF! Ooo, father's going to be SOOOO Proud! My first Godzillaroo! (The Author can't decide between Kangaroozilla and Godzillaroo, so he'll just keep rotating the names)"

"Hurry up and kill it, Third!" Asuka screamed, chomping down on her Emergency Rations Bar, the red Eva practicing it's death glare on several Australian mice that looked strangely like the ones from The Rescuers Down Under. "We need a big slab of meat for the NERV Father's Day Barbecue, and Mommy wanted to try her hand at the family recipe for Giant Kangaroos!"

"Okay, okay." Shinji sighed. "Toji, Kawouru, draw a Sumo ring out on Ayers Rock. We'll duel there!"

The ring was drawn.

"Yippy yippy yay yay!" The Eva Cheerleading squad, consisting of Rei, Asuka, and Toji, all in their respective Evas, tried out their new cheers, the new Eva-size Miniskirts and Sweaters bearing the name Team NERV flapping wildly in the wind.

"All right, mate you're goin' down!" The low rasp of the Kangaroo's pilot hissed over the comm.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" Rei squealed in delight, doing the Crazed Fangirl Thing "The KANGAROO HUNTER! OMIGOD, I NEVER THOUGHT I'D GET TO MEET YOU! THIS IS, LIKE, SOOOOOOOO COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!"

"Ready…Steady…GOOOO!" The Author yelled, the big green Unit 05 shooting off it's popper gun.

"_VROOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!"_

_"YE'R GOIN' DOWN, MATE!"_

The two behemoths pushed at each other, locked in combat, until…

"Right hook! YEAH!" Unit 01 punched the stuffing out of Kangaroo. "LEFT! RIGHT! LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT LEFTRIGHTLEFTRIGHT OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!"

Unit 01 collapsed. Shinji kneeled down in the cockpit, clutching his balls. Unit 01 tried to copy these movements, but found that it had no balls.

"Haha! Gotcha, lit'l bastard!" TheKangaroo Hunter laughed, his Kangaroo's right leg still in it's kicking position. "That'l teach ya to-oh shit."

_"VROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!"_

(Cue Track 15 of Escaflowne Movie Original Soundtrack, Wat'cha gonna do?)

The purple Eva jumped up, it's mouth guard breaking off. It beat it's chest, orange, veined wings breaking out of it's back. _"ME TARZAN YOU **JANE!**" _Unit 01 screamed, plunging it's hand into Godzillaroo's (The Author has decided. It's Godzillaroo.) little pouch thing. It yanked out it's stomach, and then, grabbing the Lance from Unit 05, started plungingsaidpointy objectin and out of the dying Kangaroo, screaming "MINEMINEMINEMINEMINEMINEMINE!" all the while.

**DIVIDER IS HERE! NEW SECTION NOW! SCREWED UP!**

The NERV Annual Make-a-Barbecue-out-of-Rotting-Angel-or-in-this-case-Kangaroo-Parts was always a huge success. This was mainly because Gendo required everybody to come, and he had Unit 01 come and pay the offending person a visit if said person didn't come (CoughCoughHackHackReiCoughStrippdancingCough), and it was Gendo's birthday, which meant everybody's favorite bastard got to dock a week's pay from your salary if you didn't get him the assigned present.

He assigned Shinji a Surprise! Present, which for you idiots out there meant Shinji got to get Daddy whatever the hell Shinji felt like.

Needless to say, the tale will quench your thirst for perverseness.

**SEMI-DIVIDER IS HERE! EVEN MORE SCREWED UP!**

"Hello, everybody, and welcome to the NERV Annual Kangaroo Barbecue Thingy." Sexy Fyutsuki (NOTE FOR THE HUMOR IMPAIRED: MAJOR JOKE HERE!) oozed in his seduction voice. Asuka did the Fangirl Thing. "I trust you'll all have a wonderful time at my new ten-square-kilometer Evangelion Cage Number Six turned Disco Funk House of Fuytsuki. Now let's get some nice relaxing music from _Randommmm Rockstarrr!"_

Fyutsuki did the Disco thing all the way off-stage and was replaced by said singer. Misato, Ritsuko, Kaji, and Gendo did the Fangirl thing.

It was a dark, disco-tized Cage, with a solid oak dance floor, flashing multi-colored lights, and a five-hundred-ton Disco Ball of Doom hanging from the ceiling. It had taken all six Evas, including the Author, to hang that thing. This was probably because they made the glue out of Zureul's little skull-mask type thingy, and it was going for Unit 01's throat constantly.

Random (Rockstar)finished.

Fyutsuki disco'ed all the way back to the microphone at dead center stage.

"And now that I have your attention, folks," Sexy Fyutsuki smiled "I can start our BARBECUE FROM _HELL!_ Go, Shinji!"

Unit One stalked out of the doors from Cage Five, bringing the Godzillaroo corpse out on the Lance of Longinus. On Unit 01's horn, the Kangaroo Hunter himself was staked out, the maggots picking merrily through his lungs.

"CUE!" Sexy Fyutsuki roared, and a massive, roiling mass of massive fire was amassed at the massing point in the back of the massive Cage. Unit 01 stalked over, and started to roast the Godzillaroo.

"Now that that's over with," Sexy Fyutsuki grinned "I would like to announce that it's our favorite (And only, thank god) Commander's Birthday! And, in addition to the several million tons of presents in the Cage Seven next door, I've taken the liberty of inviting Gendo's favorite singer today! I present to you (BEEP)!"

Said artist (You figure it out! Twit.) started a favorite song of Gendo's. The Author doesn't want to have to add another part to the disclaimer, so he'll just say the song involved the phrase 'Don't stop till you're getting up' and 'Sh'bone'.

Gendo did the Disco thing and failed miserably.

"Ooh…" Sexy Fyutsuki cringed. "Anyway, we'll start on Gendo's presents now… HERE'S PRESENT NUMBER ONE!"

A large dump truck rolled in, wrapped in Christmas paper, revving it's engine. It released it's load.

"RITSUKO!" Gendo jumped up happily. "YOU REMEMBERED!"

"Check out the cargo, dolt." Said doctor smiled evilly.

"Oh…" Gendo gasped, staring at the 5,000 small boxes that the truck released. It was from Trojan. It was the kind of thing a father gets when it's time to have 'The Talk'. It was 'Small'.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Gendo cried. "YOU FUCKING BITCH! THAT'S NOT NICE AT ALL!"

Gendo ripped off his pants.

"OH MY GOD!"

"EVIL!"

"STAY BACK, SATANICALLY MASSIVE ONE! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!"

"Well," Misato remarked "Now we know where Shinji got his. I need to replace Ritsuko sometime soon (cocks Desert Eagle)."

"Ouch!" Sexy Fyutsuki remarked "That's just nasty. Congratulations to Doctor Akagi for being more evil than the Birthday Boy. Next present."

"Here, Commander." Rei said, handing the commander a long thin package. She then disappeared in a flash of 'Essence of AT Field'.

"Why, thank you, Rei!" Gendo smiled that gay smile of his. "Let's see…"

It was a Nimbus 2000.

"YAY!" Gendo screamed, wetting himself. "A NEW BROOM! Thank you, Rei!"

The pile 'o' presents was finished. Unit 01 finished roasting the Kangaroo, and everybody ate.

Do you people know how good roasted Kangaroo is? Seriously, do you, It's great! It's-

**BANG!**

"And now, we present Gendo with ONE. FINAL PRESENT! FROM HIS SON, SHINJIII!"

Gendo and Shinji walked out on stage.

"Here, daddy."

"Thank you, son."

Shinji handed our Birthday Bastard a card, which had it's envelope destroyed quite quickly.

The card contained two items. The first was a picture of Misato, Asuka, and Rei doing the playboy thing.

**_Streeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetch…_**

The second was a land deed.

"You asked for it, father, so I provide." Shinji smiled, doing the Kawouru thing.

"S-Shinji…" Gendo sobbed "You s-shouldn't have… THANK YOU, SON!" The Birthday Bastard cried, throwing his arms around his son. "I LOVE YOU TOO, DAD!" Shinji cried, returning the hug.

Shinji gave Gendo Australia.

"Now," Gendo announced, regaining his composure "We're being turned into a psychiatric hospital."

"**_GASP!"_**

"No protests allowed." Gendo sighed. "The government's making me do it."

"Hehehehehehehehe…" Kawouru chuckled. Everything was going according to the senario…

NEW DIVIDER! YOU'RE LOOKING AT IT!

Kawouru strutted down to newly appointed Sex Therapist Misato Katsuragi's office.

(Cue Ode to Joy)

"Miss Katsuragi…" Kawouru did the seductive thing, making several people do the fangirl thing.

"Ah, Tabris." Misato sighed, annoyed. "Come on in. Let's get this over with."

"Now, why don't I show you over to the bath…" Our seductive angel smiled. "Come on, don't be shy…"

They both sat in the tub.

"STRIKE!" Kawouru shouted, jumping on top of Misato, only to be reppelled. He tried to retreat, but he foundthat he couldn't go back. Misato's hand had Tallywhacker in a firm grasp.

(Cue Ode to Joy finale)

"Is this what you want?" Kawouru asked looking desperate.

(Zoom in on the water in the tub, showing nothing but the water. A lone Trojan drifted by.)

(Ode to Joy finishes)

'_Rrrip'_

_'Splash'_

(Cue Canon in D, orchestra version)

PSYCH WARD ONE END!

That's it, folks. I can't say a thing. It's rated M for a reason, aye?

Give me no shit, I'll give you none.

Bye,

God of Epyon

'Rrrip'

'Splash'


	2. The Chapter with a Long Title

The Author does not own Neon Genesis Evangelion or any of the related characters. If the creators of Evangelion wish it, this story will be removed from the web.

OH MY GOD! I'm sorry, people, I've just had too much going on to update! It's so hot in the state in which I live, Michigan, being that, in Michigan, I take residence, and I did or did not live here all my life but I did or did not make trips to Canada (Oh, KANEDA! For all you Akira fans out there) and I did or did not self-insert a strange creature in here that resembles who I want to be, and I hath calleth him the Author. I have been in court for the past few millennia, on a case that should have been dead weeks ago. I apologize for the lack of updates.

Ugh! That first scene was a killer! To keep with the ever-changing guidelines that need my CONSTANT RENEWAL, I've had to turn all my jokes about SPECIFIC PEOPLE (grmblgrmblenGoodMorningAmericacrewgrmble) to titles instead of the actual names, which would have made things a hell of a lot funnier. Last chapter I had to cut out the names of certain Australians, whom you may recognize in the obviously changed name of 'Kangaroo Hunter', and 'Random Rockstar' was a certain singer featured in The Spy Who Shagged Me, although not the one who was in International Man of Mystery. One good thing: These new guidelines severely restrict those goddamned Self-Insert Mary Sues, if my understanding of the term is correct, and the definition has not changed in the last two seconds.

THIS STORY EXISTS FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF AUTHOR'S NOTES. THANK YOU.

It has been determined that the proud owners of NERV Psychiatric Ward shall not sue Omega Z. We encourage this type of thing, as long as it doesn't mean plagiarism. Or spamming. Hey, we're all fic authors here.

NERV Psychiatric Ward

Chapter Two: The Long-Awaited Update that the Author Felt Should be Used, As Well as a Few More Upcoming Updates, to Do Chapters Without the Signiature Crossovers Until Later.

"It's been upwards of ninety degrees, and the humidity has been 100 for the past several weeks. Ouch. Back to you, Newscaster."

"Thanks, Weatherman (Dooo-dodo-DOOOOO!). Now, in other news, Mr. Random Politician has been-"

'FZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK'

'BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM'

(I would greatly appreciate it if someone would e-mail me a list of explosion written sounds (Onomatopoeia). I have a lot of great vocal ones, but they can't be written! God help me. You can contact me at even get your name mentioned.)

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!" the Author laughed maniacally, surveying the destruction through his tears of insane laughter. That new man-size Positron Rifle and/or Spear of Longinus (You said spear!) he'd gotten out of Timmy's Fairly Odd Parents before he'd had a nice game of 'Feed the Eva' with the staff. Unit 01 and 02 had had a wonderful time, that being the first good meal they'd had since Zureul. Unit 00, unfortunately, had been unable to find it's mouth. Units 03, 04, and 05 had been in the infamous 'Cage Thirteen' also known as 'The Eva Crappers' for obvious reasons. People run and die when Unit 01 gets blocked up. The noise it makes is awful.

"Hahahahaha!" The Author howled, his green eyes tinted red by bloodlust. "Gunning for weathermen is GREAT! I have to take Fyutsuki and Kaji with me next time!"

"Gurgle… Anchor lady…"

'FZAAK'

"That'll teach you to tell me it's Zero degrees Kelvin." The Author scoffed (For those of you without brains or any education, 0 degrees Kelvin is the technical term for Absolute Zero, when all atomic movement stops). "Now, Epyon!" He shouted, doing the Proud Knight thing "We still have to crush the Japanese weather service! Just because NERV's moved to Australia doesn't mean that ANYONE's safe."

A large green head with multiple large spikes shooting straight upward to form a sort of crown did the Eva scream-roar thing. It held up a sign. _Stop killing weathermen and go save NERV from, say, an Angel_._ And stop calling me Epyon._

"Ah, hell." The Author hissed, kicking a busted camera "Let's go kick Angel Ass."

"VROOOAAAAAAAAR."

"Exactly."

And so, the Author and the Green Eva rode off into the sunset, now Author and Eva, and lived happily ever after. The End.

(For those of you wondering, the Author is a fictional character. He is in no way a part of me, except his sick sense of humor. Oh, and gunning for weathermen.)

HAHAHAHAAAAAAALELUJIAH! HAAAAAAALELUJIA!

"SO YA WANNA BE A MASTER OF-"

"POK-E-MON!"

"NOW YA GOTTA HAVE THE SKILLS TO TRAIN-"

"POK-E-MON!"

"YAY!" Gendo jumped up and down, the dirty apartment that had once been Rei's shaking in fear. The apartment didn't think, that after it's previous owner had left, that it would have to take another person in, but now it was stuck with the former Birthday Bastard.

The Apartment was getting really, _really_ sick of hearing the Pokemon theme.

The episode ended.

'sniffle sniffle'

"WAAAAAAAAAAH!" Gendo burst out, weeping twin waterfalls "Rei took the Pad, home of the Gendo, for herself! My life sucks!"

HAHAHAHAAAAAAALELUJIA! HAAAAAAALELUJIA!

The Good Doctor Akagi laughed evilly, smiling at her new patient roster. Rei was at the top of the list. Ooooh, this was going to be funnnnnnn!

_Neon Genesis Evangelion Will now enter Opera Mode, to the tune of Ode to Joy, with full orchestra and background singing. The characters will sing to Ode to Joy, and only Ode to Joy, from here on out._

"DOC-TOR A-KA-GI I WAS TOLD TO COME DOWN HERE FOR PSYYYYCHIATRIIIIC E-VAL-U-A-TI-ON NOW SO PLEASE COME AND DOOOOO YOUR WORST!"

"YES, DEAR Rei, I THINK II SHAAALL, NOW PLEEAASE SIT DOWWWWWN ON THAT BEEEEEED. NOW PLEASE TELL ME HOW YOU FEE-EE-EEEE-EE-L AAAA-BOUT THAT."

"WELL, DEAR DOC-TOR, I HAVE A-A MAA-AA-AA-AA-AA-JOR CRUSH ON SHIN-JI!"

"WELL, LIT-TLE BITCH, WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO AND SCREW HIS AA-ASS OOOOOOFF?"

"NOT BAD AD-VICE DOO-OO-OO-CTOR, I THINK THAT I SHALL TAA-AKE IT. BUT IKARI IS NOT INTERESTED I-IN SE-EE-EEX!"

I THINK I CAN HELP YOU RE-EI. HERE IS THE VICTORIA SEC-RET CAT-A-LOUGE FROM BACK IN MARCH, GO BUY SOME LINGERIE."

"DOCTOR AKAGI, THIS IS THE BOARD OF CE-EE-EEEENSORS. WE WILL HAVE TO STOP YOU THERE. THE WRITER'S GETTING A NO-OSEBLEED."

"_VROO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OOR!"_

_SQUEEUEEUEEEK (record scratch)_

"Oh no!" Doctor Akagi yelled, pushing past the board of censors "The music stopped! And I know that scream! It means that-" she stopped as they reached the open cage door. "Oh god."

"L-look at Unit 01 (BLEAGGH!) puked Maya, who was hunched over on the catwalk.

"Oh my god." Rei stated simply, before getting in line for it.

Have any of you figured out what Unit 01 was doing by know?

The author can't say what Unit 01 was doing because the rating would probably go up to the point where it couldn't be shown on but it involved Unit 00 and the Lance of Longinus.

Aaaand… (Cue Looney Tunes opening music).

HAAAAAAAAALELUJIA! HAAAALELUJIA!

9 months later…

Starnge honking noises were issuing from Cage 666, the dreaded 'EVA BIRTHROOM OF DOOM!'

"It's a monster." Rei announced, handing the skirted 13-year-old freak to Unit 00.

"VROOOAR!" Translation: She's so cute! Look, Yui, she's got your eyes and your horn! Unit 00 screeched.

"VROOOOOAAAAR!" Translation: I dub thee Kobayashi the Bitching! Daughter! Let us rule the earth! Unit 01 roared, patting the hideous freak on the head.

"DADA!" The evil thing screeched, and twisted Unit 01's arms to the point that they snapped off.

"VROOOOOOOAAAAAAR!" Translation: Sachiel, you little bastar-Oh. Whoops. Sorry, Kobayashi, I forgot you were here.

BAM!

Unit 00's hand made contact with Unit 01's cheek, then recoiled in pain.

"VROOAAEEER!" Translation: Yui, stop- OW! JESUS, that hurt! YUI, YOU F(BEEP), I'LL KILL YOU, YOU-Oh, not again.

"Wait a minute." Doctor Akagi Senior giggled, popping out of nowhere "If Yui's playing the father, and Unit 00 got pregnant, than that means-YUI HAS A WANG, YUI HAS A WANG, HA HA, HA HA!" The long-dead doctor chanted, making a large puddle on the floor.

A large group of monks in hoods, whacking boards into their heads as they went, sang "Doo-de-doo-doo-doo, Ba-rup-up-up-bum-bum. (WHACK) Moo-moo-meep-moo-moo. Ba-rup-up-up-bum. (WHACK) We've forgotten the words, Ba-rup-up-up-bum-bum, Rup-up-up-bum-bum, Rup-up-up-bum-bum…(WHACK)"

HAAAAAAALELUJIAH! HAAAAAAAAAALELUJIA!

"We have visual on the angel, commander!" Hyuuga shouted, pointing to the large TV the commander liked to watch porno films on after hours. It was a big glowing jester's hat with wings.

"Damn, it looks like a big glowing jester's hat with wings!" Misato exclaimed, having lost her script and relying entirely on the previous line. "Send out our most mentally unstable pilot with a weapon that's affected by gravity far more than it should be and is best suited for space combat and will be forbidden from reaching the angel because of some crappy trigonometric thing, which nobody in this whole frickin' story except maybe the Author understands." Misato gasped, fainting from lack of oxygen.

"Launching Unit 02, equipped with the secondary Positron Rifle, ma'am!" Maya shouted, sending the large red behemoth up the launch tube.00

"WAHOOOO!" Asuka screamed, twisting around in the plug in a very sexual way visible to the whole building, thus providing fanservice (Which we can't read, unfortunately)"That Yebisu's GOOOOOD stuff!"

Misato sniffed, starting to cry happily. "I'm so proud of you, Asuka…(Sniff) Your first attempt at coping with your hopelessly crappy life!"

"YEE-HAW! LET'S KICK SOME ANGEL ASS!"

Unit 02 grabbed the positron rifle that had deployed next to her catapult. "So, pretty angel," The drunken pilot slurred "Watcha' doin' ternight?"

SWITCH VIEWPOINT TO THE _STARSHIP ENTERPRISE, A.K.A. ARAEL, FIFTEENTH ANGEL_

"Scotty, the big red Eva's going to fire soon!" Captain James T. Kirk yelled into the comm. "I need that weapon NOW!"

"It's comin' cap'n!" The scotsman replied from engineering. "But ye gotta understand, cap'n, these things take time and- IT'S READY!" He yelled. "FIRE IT NOW!"

A big rainbow beam lanced away from Arael/_Enterprise-A_.

SWITCH VIEWPOINT TO UNIT 02

"Mph…mmmph…MMMMPH!" Asuka moaned as the sex beam hit Unit 02. "Yes, Kirk, yes, YES!"

The background music began. '0I want you to SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE…'

"Asuka's literally screwed!" Misato screamed. "Send out Rei with the JSSDF Positron Cannon!"

The blue Eva shot off a round in the Enterprise's bridge, but it ricocheted off the shields.

"HAHA!" Rei laughed triumphantly. "I am unable to reach you, but I am immune to your sex beam, being in control of one myself!"

SWITCH TO THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE/ARAEL THE FIFTEENTH

"Chekov, what is that?" Kirk asked the Russian, pointing at the long red two-pronged thingy headed in the direction of the Enterprise.

"I Don't know, Keptin." The accented man replied.

"It is the Lance of Longinus." Spock offered, calmly as ever.

"The Lance?"

"Yes."

"Of Longinus?"

"Yes."

"The one that Longinus stuck in Jesus's side?"

"Yes."

"The one that kills anything?"

"Yes."

"Shit."

The Starship Enterprise/ Big-floating-jester-hat Fifteenth Angel Arael was ripped apart by the long red projectile, and Captain Kirk FINALLY died FOR GOOD!

HAAAAALELUJIA! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAALELUJIA!

"Asuka, I'm glad you're okay-"

"GO DIE. SHINJI! I HATE YOU! I'M NOW INVOLVED WITH CAPTAIN KIRK!"

"Asuka, that was just a sex beam!"

**THIS STORY WILL NOW BE TERMINATED. THE BOARD OF CENSORS HAVE DETERMINED THAT THE AUTHOR WILL DIE FROM BLOODLOSS VIA THE NOSE, AND HE REALLY NEEDS TO CLEAN HIS COMPUTER OFF.**

NERV Psychiatric Ward

Chapter Two End.

That really sucked, didn't it? Maybe I'm slipping. I have just received a great shock. I have gotten a bad review for my Hellsing fic. That is new to me. Everybody's loved that fic! Why is it so hated now?

The Author would now like to hold you at gunpoint until you write him a review. Thank you.


	3. A Long Time Ago, in a Psych Ward Far

If the Writer owned Neon Genesis Evangelion, bad things would happen. Rei'd be impossible to have sex with, Fyutsuki'd be head of NERV, and we'd all be bowing down to Queen Lilith. And the Author would get sued by Gainax. So there.

Well, hello people! My parents sent me to the Place with No Computer for three (BLEEP) weeks, and now I have written the third chapter in this piece of (BLEEP). Argh. The auto-censoring machine missed that last fudge.

I guess I'll skip the crap and get straight to the story. (There's a STORY in here?) (Of COURSE, you idiot.)

NERV Psychiatric Ward

Chapter Three

A Long Time Ago, in a Psych Ward Far, Far Away…

"Commander Ikari." Ritsuko said, her voice muffled by the sheets "I've received a request from the New Republic Galactic Psychiatric Ward. They want to transfer a bunch of patients here because we're 'much better suited to handling patients this far gone'. "

"Aaargh." Gendo sighed, stretching his arms "Mon Mothma must be getting really worried about these freaks. Approve the transfer. Maybe they can help us with the plan to blow up the world." He grinned. "And now…"

"Oh, _you_! Ritsuko giggled. "Don't touch me th- Oh, what the hell!"

…The writer doesn't have to explain this to you, does he, children?

Meanwhile, in Shinji's Lovely Pad…

"Ahhh…" said pilot moaned, stretching "That was fun. Time to make breakfast." He got up and tried to leave for the bathroom when the entity known as Blue-Haired Babe yanked him back towards the bed.

"Rei, what the-MMMMMPH!" He was suddenly silenced by Aphrodite in Blue (The writer is having fun making up names for the Blue Goddess. Oops. There goes another one.).The Cerulean (Word that would make this fic unreadable on here) pulled the startled-yet-happy boy back under.

**"I SUMMON SLIFER THE SKY DIVIDER! IT CRUSHES YOUR TOO-MANY-VARIANT-WHITE-DRAGON! THIS IS A YU-GI-OH JOKE SUBSTITUTING FOR A DIVIDER, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW! DIVIDER!"**

The _Lambda-_class shuttle landed in the open-air cage, lowering it's ramp. The procession of prisoners exited, a squadron of TIE fighters screaming by. The procession was impressive, including a tall man in a black cape and black skull-shaped helmet, an old man in a black cloak, a short guy with balding white hair in an olive-green uniform, a woman in the same type of uniform with a long, thick brown braid, some long-dead Sith guy in a black cloak, a blue guy in with red eyes in a white uniform with gold tassels, a weird robot with a bad cough, and several hundred guys in white, their guns trained on the rest of the procession, and WOW, was that a long sentence or what, huh, come on, let's here it-

**BANG!**

Shinji latched onto Gendo's leg, whimpering.

"Daddy, what's with the evil people coming out of that ship I've seen in Star Wars?"

"Those are our new patients, son." Gendo said, prying his sissy son off his leg. "They can blow your head off, so I want you to stay away from them, okay, son?"  
"WAAAAAH! Yes, daddy (Sniffle)."

The Author walked in. "As the announcer for the Writer," He shouted "I am announcing that it is time for an attack by the Angels. Thank You."

**EVA FIGHT! EVA FIGHT! FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW, BOLD GENERALLY MEANS IT'S A DIVIDER!**

Shamshiel grinned, as best a purple, 70-meter gastropod could grin. This would be _fuuuun._

Unit 02 stared at the Angel. "So, kill Shamshiel, huh? This will be _fuuuun._ SWIIIIIIIIIINEHUNT!(The Writer doesn't speak German, so don't bother telling him if he spelled that wrong.)"

Unit 02 came hurling in, grabbing the balls of a passing Star Destroyer and hurling it into Shamshiel.

Asuka grinned, loking down at the rotting Angel corpse. "That was easy. However, it was so short that the Writer is probably going to have Shamshiel not dead, so AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Of course. Shamshiel's little whips-of-purple-gastropod-killing-gooddness were sticking through Unit 02's top two eyeballs.

"HAHA!" Asuka did a Yu-Gi-Oh pose. "I have FOUR eyes, so I'm not dead yet! HAHA!"

Unit 02 grabbed a random Yu-Gi-Oh monster, which just happened to be Slifer the Sky Dragon, and therefore latched on to Unit 02's arm.

"Ouch." Asuka plainly said before her right arm got blown off, with the still-biting God Card attached. She grabbed the tail of said God Card and hurled it into Shamshiel's face (Or lack thereof), which jumped on top of the purple Angel and slavered it with enzymes of love (Sounds like the Writer's uncle's French bulldog).

_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!_ The dying Angel thought hopelessly, and evaporated in a hail of inaccurately erotic Harry Potter Fics.

Ouch.

**I SUMMON THE WINGED DRAGON OF RA, DIVIDER MODE! IT ANIHALATES YOUR OBELISK THE DIVIDER!**

It was time for the Evil Discussion Group. There wasn't anything "Evil" left about this group, though; it was all basically burned-out bad guys from Star Wars. It was composed of Emperor Palpatine, Darth Vader, Exar Kun, General Grevious, Admiral Daala, Grand Moff Tarkin, and the group's two main psychologists, Grand Admiral Mith'raw'nuruodo and Admiral Gilaad Pellaeon.

Thrawn finished up typing the reports on each of the patients and handed them to Pellaeon, who in turn walked to the head of the white circular table and handed said reports to Dr Aklagi.

"Okay," The blonde doctor said "Let's all get to know each other better. I'm doctor Akagi, the primary…umm…helper…yes, helper around here! I dyed my hair at age 14 and have a massive mole on my cheek! Wasn't that a totally short, cheesy, and horrendoudly bad-yet-highly-accurate rendition of the Writer's former psychiatrist (now deceased)? Okay, Emperor Palpatine, why don't you go next?"

"Hi!" said emperor grinned desperately, his chair vibrating "I'm Emperor Palpatine! I don't even know how old I am, but I rule the galaxy and enjoy bedding babes!"

Ritsuko looked down at Palpatine's profile. _Age unknown. Once ruled the galaxy, but has severe people problems. Has been in a state of forced abstinence since Mara Jade seduced and stole secret to dark side. Enjoys scaring small children._

"Well, that's nice!" Ritsuko smiled, dreading the upcoming private sessions. "Okay, Mr. Vader, how anout you?"

"**There is going to be a lawsuit over this.**" the Sith Lord muttered. "**For the last time, I am NOT a madman! Unfortunately, Lord Sidious over here IS, and I'm stuck as his second-in-command for the rest of my already miserable existence! Leave me out of this!**"

Palpatine crouched in the corner, whimpering.

Akagi looked down at the masked man's report._ Not really in need of counseling. Included in the story for the writer's personal amusement. Should be introduced to Fyutsuki, who also suffers from Sidekickitis, although hides it well._

"**Okay, I'm done now**." Vader smiled, as best a mask can smile. "**I enjoy dueling my son Luke and watching old family movies**."

"I see." Ritsuko smile a little. _He won't be_ too_ bad._ "Allright, how about you, Exar?"

"KIIIIIIIIIIIL." The black floating thing screeched. "MAIM. SLAUGHTER. MASSACRE. SEE DEATH."

_Hm. _Ritsuko thought. _I could tape him and make a computerized dictionary. I'd make a shitload. _She looked down at his report. _Totally gone. Likes to mimic dictionaries. Always carries mini Websters. _

"I see." Ritsuko said, frowning slightly. "Okay, Daala. How about you?"

"First the Hydra…" Daala sighed, slumping down in her chair '"Then (name to be inserted when the Writer remembersnote-found it. It's the Manticore.), Then the Basilisk, then the Gorgon, then the Knight Hammer… Will it ever stop!" She moaned

Ritsuko looked down at Daala's profile. _Bipolar. Constantly shifts mood. Tends to reminisce about her lost Star Destroyers. Has attempted to hang herself six times on her own braid._

"Hi!" Daala continued. "My name's Rei Ayanami! Hey!" she jumped, pointing at Greivous. "You're that jerk who was staring at my panties!"

"Well, you're the one who was flashing 'em!" Tarkin stood up.

"Why would I stare at you?" Greivous did a Gendo hand thing. "I don't even have a bang! I've got almost no flesh left! An intestine and a pair of eyes! That's all I have! WAAAAAAAAH!"

Ritsuko looked down at the droid general's report._Very sensetive about his loss of flesh. Enjoys killing things and blowing things up._

Ritsuko sighed. It was going to be a loooong rehab session.

**DIVIDER! INSERT YU-GI-OH JOKE HERE! DIVIDER!**

Ritsuko sighed, looking at the pictures of her cats on the walls of her office.

She turned around to find Thrawn standing in the doorway.

"You do not have an easy job ahead of you."

"Heh. Mith'raw'nuruodo. Haven't seen you around latel;y." The good doctor smiled forlornly. "Yes, my life sucks."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Thrawn asked, his gleaming red eyes getting a little brighter.

Needless to say, Dr. Akagi threw herself at Thrawn, crying, and they made love. However, about halfway through…

Gendo stood in the doorway, the gun in his hand ready to fire. How dare that insolent bitch betray me?

BLAM.

"Thank you, Gilaad." Thrawn said, getting back to work.

"Certainly, sir." Pellaeon said blandly, somewhat like a butler, and stepped over Gendo's corpse.

**DIVIDER! THE AUTHOR IS KIND OF OUT OF YU-GI-OH JOKES!**

"So, Shinji." Luke said, sipping his coffee "We're both major characters in some of the writer's favorite movies!"

"Sweet, dude!" Shinji grinned, punching Luke's mechanical fist. "Ow!"

"Sorry!" Luke said sheepishly. "So, we've been dragged into a really crappy life! You have a shitty history and are forced to pilot a giant robot, and I'm stuck killing things that threaten to blow up the galaxy! WASSAAAP!"

"WASSAAAP!" Shinji replied, punching Luke's non-mechanical fist.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"

"Leia!"

"Misato!"

The two ran to some random room where said sister-surrogate mother were backed into a corner with Hyuuga an all fours, advancing towards the two women. The bridge bunny suddenly found a lightsaber through the back of his head and a large Eva foot crushing the rest.

"WASSAAAP!"

"WASSAAAP!"

**DIVIDER! GURGLE… NO…MORE…YU…GI…OH…JOKES…**

Darth Vader found himself playing chess with Kozo Fyutsuki soon after group. It was down to a white rook and king and a black bishop and king.

"Checkmate! Vader grinned, relieving Fyutsuki's king of it's head.

"NO…"Fyutsuki moaned. "That's the fifth game in a row I've lost!"

"I'm satisfied." Vader sighed. "Sooo…Wanna play Twister?"

"What the hell?" Fyutsuki grinned.I've got nothing better to do."

**END END END END END END END END END END END END END**

Yup. NERV is doomed. So is this fanfic. I'm sending you a subliminal message right now.

'_rrrip'_

_'splash'_


	4. Super Star Destroyer Poker

The Writer does not own Neon Genesis Evangelion or any of the related characters (The Writer only owns the 'Author'). If the creators of NGE wish it then this story will be removed from the web. And be warned- there are reasons the Writer does not own NGE.

Heya! I'm back, with more crap from Down Under a little rock in Michigan! Yes, I know it's been a long time since I last updated, but school has been too hectic lately. Siddown and Shaddap.

This is a continuation of the last Star Wars chapter, with the exception that Alien will be making a guest appearance. Oh dear. I believe said space creature has just eaten my right buttock. It'll probably die now. Ba-a-a-a-a-ad.

NERV Psychiatric Ward

Chapter Four

Let's All Get the Writer a Super Star Destroyer (_Executor-_class Super Star Destroyer, For Those of You Like Me Who Like Political Correctness and Are Not Attempting to Shorten the Title, Which I Am and Thus Have Failed Horribly At It) for Christmas Because the Writer Tells Us To

"Hi, Shigeru!" Emperor Palpatine screamed, jumping out at the guitar-toting bridge bunny named Shigeru, who ran away screaming for Mother.

"Wait!" Palpatine yelled, sprinting after him. "Don't you want to see me make some balloon animals?" he held up a badly proportioned balloon animal that looked to be made of an XS (Use the dreaded'C-Word' here).

Shigeru was later found clinging to Lillith's left breast, screaming "No, make it stop, NO!" over and over. Emperor Palpatine's bullet-riddled corpse was later recovered from the bottom of Sex Therapist Misato Katsuragi's massive bathtub.

**DIVIDER: LIKE, _YAAAH._**

Admiral Daala stared out at the massive screen from behind the commander's chair. Ahh, it felt _good_ to be back on a bridge, even if it wasn't the _Gorgon's _or the _Knight Hammer's._ Almost like the time that guy in _Planet of Twilight_ (whose name the Writer has forgotten) made love to her. Exactly like that.

She watched a big, green, galaxy-shaped thing crash into earth and obliterate Hokkaido.

"Oh dear!" She smiled, glomping Makoto, who recoiled like an adder. "It's the Yuuzhan Vong! We're all doomed!"

"PARTY!" Ritsuko yelled, throwing one of those explosive disco balls.

Quite suddenly-

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

"SHOOT THE FUCKING FLAMETHROWER!" The Author's scream came, and Maya came tearing through Central Dogma, a large, blue-black creature with a spiky tail and a bulbous head came running after her, it's jaw outstretched. Trailing Alien, in turn, was the heavily armored, extremely spiky body of Sauron, Lord of Mordor. He was lugging a big mace and a flamethrower. Following _Sauron,_ in turn, was the Author, who was giving Sauron encouraging pokes in the rear with a lightsaber. Red, of course. The Author wouldn't have it any other way.

"I can't get a good shot at it!" Came Sauron's tinny voice, from under heavily vibrating armor. "It's too fast!"

"**_IT'S A FUCKING FLAMETHROWER, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!"_** the Author screamed. "**_YOU DON'T _AIM_, YOU JUST POINT AND SHOOT! AND THE WRITER MADE ME GIVE YOU THOSE INCENDIARY BOMBS, TOO!"_**

"I'll get it eventually!" Sauron yelled, FINALLY firing the thing.

"SCREEOEEOEECH!" our favorite thing from outer space screamed, gripping it's heiny. That HURT, dammit. It deftly jumped on top of Sauron.

**DIVIDER: THE SECOND AFFAIR WITH MARY LENNOX**

This is something I must say. On Sunday, September Fourth, 8:30 PM, on CBS, I watched Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi. Some of you may have seen this thing too. At the final scene, with the Ewok party, it shows CGI planets that were not in the original or the do-overs made in the mis-90's. This is okay with me. But then it came time to show the glowing blue Jedi Masters. On the right is Ben Kenobi. Nothing new there. In the middle is Yoda, all three feet of him. Good. Then we come to the left place. They have overwritten the original actor with Haydan Christensen. This rather disturbs me, and I find it quite disrespectful of the original actor. I would ask of you all reading this to pay respects to the memory of the original actor, and to realize that, while Mr. Christensendid a goodjob in the Prequel Trilogy as Anakin, that this is just plain SACRILEGE. I have said my piece. Captain's log, end entry.

"AN-GEL FIGHT! AN-GEL FIGHT! AN-GEL FIGHT!"

Feet pounded in the command center as Unit 01 stepped out onto the mountaintop.

"Uuh.. Misato…?" Shinji groaned. "What the hell am I supposed to do?"

"Well, that's easy, Shinji!" Misato smiled, giggling. She had switched from Yebisu to super-strength coffee, 95 percent pure caffeine. "You take the big bucket of Pikachus and throw them at the Fifth Angel one by one until it dies from lack of toughguy manliness in it's life.!"

"That…seems a little harsh. Even for an Angel…" Shinji said. "But… Oh, what the hell! KILL BY PIKACHU!" He screamed, lobbing the first one at the big blue diamond.

"Pikachu!" It laughed gaily, bouncing off of Ramiel's orange AT field. This continued for quite some time, until-

"**_Pikachu-u-u-u!"_** the ultra-masculine voice of a defective Pikachu rang over the mountains. Unit 01 stared at it.

"Misato, this one's busted!" Shinji yelled, shaking the yellow thing, which was carrying an AK-47 and had an evil grin on it's face, all the while wearing one of those French hats.

"Throw it somewhere, Shinji!" Misato yawned.

"Alright!" Shinji wound up his pitch and chucked the vile thing clear over the horizon.

"**_PIIIIIIIIIKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…"_**

Shinji continued his bombardment until-

"SCRRREECH!" Said our Diamond-shaped Angel, having a seizure, who promptly fell out of the sky.

"_Jiiiigalyyyypuuuuuuuuuuuuf, Jigaalee-"_

_SQUELCH_

The annoying pink singing Pokemon has officially been terminated by the falling mass of the Fifth Angel.

Boom. Yay.

**DIVIDER DIVIDER REVOLUTION**

The Author and Kobayashi slid down the hallways, firing bursts of cannon fire at the Alien. Clearly they needed flamethrowers or Space Shuttle engines or Nukes, but, as a plot device, the Writer decided to leave them without these weapons, except when the writer gets bored and gives the Author a nuke and Kobayashi a spoon, which isn't there, thus punning the Matrix and completing this joke, which made no sense whatsoever.

'TACTICAL NUCLEAR WEAPON FOUND'

"Sweet!" The Author exclaimed, swinging the massive gun up and launching the eight-foot missile out of the jet-sized tube.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"YAY!" The Author screamed, watching Ahnold Schwarzneger's Wet Dream go off in the corridors of NERV, this setting off all of NERV's N2 mines, thus creating a chain of littler mushroom clouds around the big one and setting in a nuclear winter over Japan.

The Alien was still there, gnashing it's extendable teeth.

"OH COME ON!" The Author screamed, throwing down the missile tube. "THAT WAS A 200-KILOTON **NUKE**! **NOTHING** STOPS THAT!"  
"OF COURSE IT DOES, TAKKUN!" Kobayashi screamed. "THE WRITER WANTS TO MAKE A BAD SAILOR MOON PUN! SAAIILLOORR CRRYYSTAAAAL POOOOOOOOWERRRRRR!" The nude transformation scene began, Walter, faithful Butler of the Hellsing Organization dutifully removing her shirt, then her skirt, then her bra then her-(Writer has a nosebleed, so we'll skip straight to the tying of the corselet) And her hair bows wound in.

"SAAAIIIILLOOOOR GLOOOMPIIIIING POOOOWERRRRRR!" She screamed, releasing the wrath of aforementioned dirty gesture on Alien. Our favorite Bulb-headed extraterrestrial suffered a nosebleed and a seizure at the same time, having about the same survival rate with girls as Shinji does.

We'll just leave it at that.

**I DUB THEE SIR DIVIDER THE JEST(ER)**

A massive tube-shaped ship with a bumper sticker reading "WE BRAKE FOR NOBODY" swung around the moon, itsbadly designedbody flying straight into a volley of laser fire from the Executor.The cheesy Star Destroyer imitation blew up, with a bunch of guys, most notably a short guy with a big helmet, a man in pinstripes with an ass bigger that that of the writer himself, and some weird guy gripping his Spaceballs.

"Goddamn spoofs." Admiral Piett muttered from the _Executor's _bridge.

"Admiral Piett," One of the techs said "We've reached the rondevues point. Should we hail the other Super Star Destroyers?"

"THEY'RE _EXECUTOR-_CLASS STAR DREADNOUGHTS, OR _EXECUTOR_-CLASS SSD'S, AS THE WRITER HAS BEEN TELLING PEOPLE FOR YEARS!" Admiral Piett screamed. "AND THEY'RE 17.6 KILOMETERS LONG, NOT 8 OR 12, AS THE WRITER HAS ALSO BEEN TELLING PEOPLE FOR YEARS! Carry on, luitenant." The admiral said, regaining his calm. He picked up the microphone. "Ahem… This is Executor, please come in, _Iron Fist, (K)Night Hammer, Lusankya._"

"_Executor,_ this is _Iron Fist._" An overly jolly voice came on over the speakers. A vessel like the first shimmered into existence off to port.

"_Knight Hammer _reporting in, Admiral." An extremely happy female voice came on over the comm. "Those nice men in white let me out for a while, so I came back here!" A sleek black _Executor-_class popped into existence of to starboard.

"_Executor,_ this is _Lusankya._" An extremely cold female voice came last. Suddenly, the moon blew up, revealing the fourth and final ECSSD. "Have you got the table ready? I have the cards."

"I brought the chips!" Zsinji exclaimed happily.

"I have the table." Piett responded, smiling. Oh goody. He could win back last month's salary from Ysanne.

"AND I BROUGHT THE BEER!" Daala yelled, smiling widely. "That purple-haired lady and that niceDevil girl gave it to me! This German stuff is really, really good!" her smile expanded to the diameter of the ship she rode.

Piett smiled. The Official Tournament of Imperial Big Shots and Super Star Destoryer People was about to begin.

**LATER…**

"Hic." Piett smiled drunkenly. He (hic) had won back (hic) last month's salary, and when (hic) they had run out of cash, they had (hic) turned it into a game of Strip (hic) Poker. Piett was the big winner again. He (hic) had gotten Ysanne al the way down to her panties before she had (hic) collapsed. The dingy, poorly lit meditation chamber had been Darth Vader's, but now he was working at some Psych Ward, they'd turned it into their game room (hichichichichichichichichic). The chamber smelled of german beer and cigarettes.

"Urp." Daala burped from her position on the floor.

'Poot' Zsinji farted.

"**_HIC."_ **Piet hiccuped one more time, then collapsed.

**DIVIDER WARS! IT'S ALL ABOUT DIVIDER WARS!**

Gendo, Fyutsuki, and Darth Vader stared each other down, and Vader's hand landed in the middle of the Monopoly board, picking up the dice.

"**Big money, big money, big money!" The sith lord growled, letting the dice fly. "YES! FREE PARKING!"**

"It sucks playing against a Force user." Gendo grimly commented.

"Agreed." Fyutsuki frowned.

"I hate that little man on the Community Chest cards." Gendo growled from behind his gloves.

**FIN.**

I'm done now.

Who liked my SSD Captain poker game?

'_rip'_

'_splash'_


	5. Yes, Unit 01, We're Going To the

The Writer does not own Neon Genesis Evangelion or anything else in this fic, with the exception of the Author. The Author is simply the Writer's attempt to do…something. The Writer doesn't know. Nor does he care. But the Author's there. And we're stuck with him. Rejoice and be glad.

I'm BACK! YAY! And this is the final chapter of NERV Psychiatric Ward's Star Wars section. This chapter will also include the Annoying Character Hunt.

Alas. I have only received a few reviews. Anyone reading this, PLEASE review and tell your friends about this. Friends of the readers- YOU should review me, too!

I am now going commence in the finishing of SLOWDANCE! II. Then it's back for another 5-chapter segment of MSGW: Eternal War. Then I'm back to this. Hopefully, by then I'll have a few more REVIEWS, people!

NERV Psychiatric Ward

Chapter Five

That's Right, Unit 01. We're Going to the Dagobah System.

**PLEASE, PEOPLE, KNOW THAT THIS IS ALL IN GOOD FUN! IF YOU ARE INSULTED AT ALL BY THIS, THEN YOU ARE (A) A GIRL NO OFFENSE INTENDED OR (B) JUST A VERY, VERY SAD PERSON! DON'T FLAME ME (ACTUALLY, DO. FLAMERS ARE A MINORITY THAT'S VERY FUN TO MAKE FUN OF).**

"That's right, Unit 01, we're going to the Dagobah system." Shinji said, fixing a Plug Suit Wedgie. "The Author set up an Annoying Character Hunt, so now we're going to Dagobah to have some fun."

_VROOOAAAAAR?_

"Don't worry, mother, I'll be fine!" Shinji smiled. "It's only the Sailor Scouts and that Tuxedo Mask guy. And remember-I won the raffle,so I get the Lance of Longinus."

_VROOOAAAAAAAAAR!_ Unit 01 roared as it flew through space on its massive orange wings. It grinned, and it's eyes turned red, preparing for the absolute massacre that awaited its arrival.

**AAAAAAAAAAAGH! IT'S A DIVIDER! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!**

"Tyrannus, this is Vader." Darth Vader rasped, his Advanced X1 TIE Fighter flying in formation with Dooku's Solar Sailor. "I brought the beer! Did you get the hamburger buns?"

"Affirmative, Vader." Dooku smiled. "This shall be quite entertaining. A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Barbecue! I shall enjoy this greatly!"

"I get dibs on Donatello and Michaelangelo." Vader hissed. "You can have Leonardo and Rafael."

"Agreed!" Dooku grinned maliciously. "I have not had Barbecued Turtle in quite a while."

**AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE! FRIED DIVIDER! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!**

"_Executor,_ This is _Iron Fist._" Zsinji smiled. "I brought the seasoning."

"Affimative, _Iron Fist._" Piett grinned. "Has _Lusankya_ arrived with the charcoal and lighter fluid?"

"Affirmative,_ Executor." _Ysanne Isard licked her lips. "I brought the flammables."

"And _Knight Hammer?_" Piett asked, staring pointedly at the black Super Star Destroyer flying on _Executor's_ left.

"I brought the shish-kebob stick thingies!" Daala smiled, skipping up and down _Knight Hammer's _bridge. "AND I BROUGHT **_BEER!"_** She screamed, jumping and pirouetting in the middle of the crew pit.

"YEAH!" The other three Admirals yelled, jumping up and down. "**_IT'S HAMTARO HUNTING TIME!"_**

**ALAS, THE ADMIRALS HATH GONE MAD, SO DIVIDERS-AHHG!**

Luke kissed Mara on the cheek. "It's so exciting! I actually get to slaughter an annoying cartoon!"

"Yes, dear." Mara sighed. "But why are you obsessing over the imminent slaughter of a few cartoons?"

"They're not _just_ cartoons, Mara!" Luke skipped around in the _Jade Shadow's _cockpit. "It's the DRAGONBALL saga! They've been around for millions of years, have no actual martial arts, and waste millions of hours of airtime! And they_ DRIVE ME INSANE!" _he finished, grinning madly.

"Oh." Mara stared out into space (literally) for a moment, then joined Luke in getting drunk and screaming like the wierdos that dance around inside the Writer's mind.

Jacen, Jaina, and Anakin stared at them enviously.

"AAARGH!" Jaina screamed. "I wanna get drunk too! Why is it that I'm never of age?"

"I dunno." Anakin sighed. "Hey, wanna go play Monopoly?"

"Sure, what the hell?" Jacen grinned, giving the Solo Grin™.

"Why not?" Jaina sighed.

An hour later…

"WAHAHAHAHAHA!" Anakin laughed maniacally, pulling Jaina's entire Property collection into his rapidly growing pile. "YOU ARE DO-O-O-O-O-O-O-MED!"

**DIVISERDIVISEROHNOIMTYPINGDIVISERNOTDIVIDERSHIT!**

"MAY THE BEST…WHATEVER…WIN!" The Author announced, finishing his opening speech. And thus the massacre begins.

Let us start out with our favorite Sith lords, going to slaughter the TMNT and have a nice, fulfilling barbecue, Sith-style.

"To victory!" The Sith toasted, and downed half of their expensive German beer. Vader lifted his head up and poured it down the grate covering his mouth.

"Yo, dudes!" A voice came from a bush to the left of the Sith lord's clearing in the swamp. "Check it out! Who the Shell are these guys?"

"Mikey…" A deep voice followed.

"What, Raf?"

"You've been elected to go and check them out!" a third voice followed.

"Schnell!" the fourth, what sounded like the leader growled, pushing the first turtle out of the bush.

"Uuuuh…Hey, you guys!" it said, walking towards the two Sith. "Nice costumes, man! Who're y-WHOA! SH-

**DUE TO THE NATURE OF THE TMNT, WHO ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SWARE, THIS FIC HAS BEEN TAKEN OFF THE AIR-The California Board of Censors**

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

**AFTER THE WRITER THREATENED TO SUE THE CALIFORNIA BOARD OF CENSORS HAS RETRACTED IT'S PREVIOUS STATEMENT. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME**

-IT!" Michaelangelo jumped back as a red beam of light relocated it to the area where the Turtle's neck had previously been.

"WHAT THE SHELL WAS THAT FOR, MAN?" The turtle screamed, unsheathing his nunchuka. "THAT WAS JUST PLAIN NASTY! I GOTTA TAKE YOU _DOOOOOOOOWN_-oh shit."

The turtle stared at the stumps of his nunchuka, noting the other half on the ground.

"I fulfill my LAST WISH!" The Turtle screamed, throwing his head back. "I'LL SAY IT NOW! FU-"

_SLICE_

Mikey's head fell off, rolling on the jungle floor.

"They killed Mikey!" The Turtles exclaimed in unison. "GET THEM!"

Needless to say, three more turtle heads fell to the ground.

The two Sith lords finished their beer, then went for another as they got the grill started.

**CURIOUS GEORGE! THE CURIOUS DIVIDER MONKEY-Y-Y-Y-Y!**

Luke popped out of the hatch, followed by the NEW JEDI MOB ORDER.

"SLAUGHTER!" our favorite Jedi Master screamed, going for the unsuspecting DBZ herd.

The Solo children want at Vegeta first, hacking him to pieces like little kids might a piniata. Then they went for Cell, who got his various appendages removed, starting with his manhood(By Anakin, none the less).

Mara stared at Chichi, spinning her lightsaber. Then the two hero's wives clashed, giving each other clawmarks and holes. Mara won, of course. Remember, this is the Writer writing this.

Han stared at Krillon. "Shorty." He taunted, circling the pint-sized fighter. "Flea. Gnat. Intestinal Virus." He smiled. "Did I forget to mentioned bal-"

"DON'T! CALL! ME! BALD!" Krillon screamed, flying at Han. He landed, ten feet off-target, with a hole through his crotch.

Luke stared at Goku, the two circling each other.

"My arch-nemesis." The Jedi growled. PREPARE TO DIE!" he screamed, jumping and swinging his lighsaber. There was a flash of light, and Luke landed on his back, behind Goku, blood trickling from the side of his mouth.

GASP! GOKU KILLED LUKE!

"What, are you crazy?" Luke asked the Audience, getting up and wiping the blood off of his mouth. He cleaved Goku in half, vertically, from his Manhood up. "The Writer is at the keyboard! You must be mad!

"Luke! They're all dead!" Leia called from across the swamp, sticking her lightsaber through Bulma's head. A loud POP could be heard as Bulma's head exploded.

"DING DONG! THE WITCH IS DEAD!"

**KILLDBZ!KILLDBZKILLBZD!KILLZDB!KILLBDZ! DIVIDER!**

Unit 01 stared at the annoying Sailor girls. Luchtime…

Unit 01 stepped on them repeatedly, until the last one exploded. Then it stuck through Tuxedo Mask. A final Sailor Scout Yui hadn't noticed ran out from behind a tree, screaming "DARIEN! NOOOOOO-" Splat. The miniscule little spots of gore on the forest floor of Dagobah got scooped up onto the Lance and fried them over a fire courtesy of the Sith lords below, who had finished their meals of BBQ'd Turtle and had cut down a large pile of brush for Unit 01, dumping the remains of their fire onto the pile to set it alight. She roared her thanks, and Darth Vader gave the Peace sign.

**SQUASHSQUASHSQUASHSQUASHSQUASHSQUASHDIVIDER**

The four ECSSD's blotted out the sun over the Land of a Thousand Hamsters.

Piett cracked the cap off of a bottle of beer, draining it's contents. "TO VICTORY!" The four Admirals laughed, and ordered the destruction of Hamsterland.

The shared sentiment of "WAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAA!" chorused through the massive battlecruisers until…

"AAAAAAAAGH!" The speakers had activated, changing the sound from "WAHAHAHAHA!" and little Hamster screaming to a song dreaded and feared by all.

**"IT'S HAMTARO TIME! IT'S MUCH BETTER WHEN WE WORK TOGETHER! IT"S HAMTARO TIME…"**

"LUITENANT!" Piett screamed, the bottle in his hand shattering "WHAT THE HELL IS MAKING THAT INFERNAL NOISE?"

"WE'VE GOT VISUAL CONTACT WITH THE SOURCE, ADMIRAL!" The Luitenant yelled back. An image came up on the vid console nearest to the Admirals.

"Peepi the Giant Hamster!" Ysanne gsaped.

"YAY-Y-Y-Y-Y!" Daala squealed, putting her hands over her ears. "MAKE IT STO-O-O-O-O-OP!"

"It's got a giant boom box!" Zsinji groaned, looking for something to shoot himself with.

"Admirals," An ensign cried, crawling up to the four. "Guns…innefective….only…stop…drop…star…destroyer…hamster…BLEAGH." The ensign died of exposure to Annoying Cuteness.

"So the only way to stop it is to drop one of our ships on it." Piett groaned. "We'll have to draw straws."

Daala-longest.

Piett-second-longest

Isaard-third-longest

Zsinji-He-Who-Loses-His-Big-Ship

"WAAAAAAAH!"

**_BO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-M_**

"Don't worry, Zsinji, we'll get you another one for Christmas." Isard comforted the stricken warlord, patting him on the back.

The Annoying Character Hunt had ended with the destruction of the Hamtaro race by the dropping of the _Iron Fist_, but this was not really the end. When the next segment of chapters ends there shall be another one. The Writer enjoys these.

**CHAPTER FIVE END**

And now we're off to finish Slowdance II. Then another five chapters of MSGWEW. My schedule is way too full.


	6. Live, From London, It's Berserker!

The Writer does not own Neon Genesis Evangelion or any of its related characters. If the creators of Eva wish it then this story will be shoved up their asses, because the Writer is sick of writing "Removed from the web." It will be, if they wish, but it will be moved from the web to their asses.

Yes, boys and girls, the almighty Writer is back at his computer, typing away for you snorting pleasure, his posterior region slowly swelling to the size of two mating orca whales. I've tried, I really have, to get EternalWar09 finished, but IT'S JUST NOT COMING. So, for lack of anything better to do, I'm returning to the NERV Psych Ward scene for a while. And yes, ladies and gentlemen, there will be a quiz.

This just in: You remember Kobayashi, the strange, comical creature who killed our friend Alien with her Sailor Glomping Power? Well, she's decided she wants to write a side timeline to my story. I'm allowing it because somehow she got my dad's computer's IP adress, and that means hacking galore. Look out for it,because I'm sure it will make you cry. Maybe she'll forget about it, and she won't write it. That's what I hope.

And Now, Ladies and Gentlemen, Without Further Ado, I Present to You-

**Note for moderators and/or the people who would pull this off their wonderful site: The mispellings in this chapter are intentional. This is how Father Anderson speaks.**

NERV PSYCHIATRIC WARD CHAPTER SIX!

A Long Time Ago In a Galaxy Far, Far Away...

N-E-E-ERV PSY-Y-Y-Y-YCH WARD! N-E-E-ERV PSY-Y-Y-Y-YCH WARD! YAY YAY YAY YAY!

Shift to image of streets of London...

"WE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E!

Six figures sprinted through the streets of London, two of them wearing gauzy pantsuits with bunny ears, one dressed in the garments of a (arch) bishop, an old guy with a monocle and a small ponytail whipping around a mass of garrote wire, and two tall people, one of which was wearing the garments of a priest and swinging around a bunch of bayonets, and the Big guy in a Big red trench coat with a Big red fedora pulled low over his face and Big red eyes behind not-so-Big orange sunglasses, encircled by a Big mass of long, black hair, and firing two Big guns into the air, which he used to scare Small Children(tm), wow, this is a long sentence, when will the Writer use an actual period, I don't know, maybe-

A hyphen can stop a sentence, too.

"Miss Integra," Seras called, another button on her skimpy clothing's chest area popping "Why the hell are we running around in gauzy bunny suits like a couple of sluts?

"Because I SAID SO, SENIOR OFFICER VICTORIA!" Miss Integral Fairbrooks Wingates Hellsing screamed back. "IT'S BECAUSE I'VE SNAPPED, AND SNAPPED I WILL BE, OR UNTIL SOMEBODY GETS ME MORE ZOLOFT AND/OR RITALIN!"

"Aye, shat ap, ye crazy psycho-bitch!" screamed Father Anderson, a spare bayonet taking another hopeful swipe at Integra's skimpy clothing. "Ye forced three gallons of thet crappy Grey Goose down oor throats already, and now ye want us ta run aroond the streets ae London like ae bunch ae deranged Pokemon! Ae don' think sa!"

"Anderson!" Enrico Maxwell, the Iscariot Bishop-in-Chief yelled at the bayonet-swinging priest "Get a move on! In ze name of His Holiness, maul ze Writer! He deserves it, and it is God's wi-OW!"

The writer popped into the continuum, the small wings attached to his oversized ass fluttering wildly as he floated along the party of madmen/women, and he smacked Maxwell on the head with a large garden gnome.

"YE SHALT NOT BADMOUTH THE WRITER!" the Writer screamed. "I HATH SAID IT, AND SO IT IS LAW! FIN!" And so, the Writer popped back to Earth, 2006, and continued typing, stroking his garden gnome with his left hand as his right danced across the keyboard.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"SHUT UP, ALUCARD!" Integra screamed, whipping her hbead back exactly 180 degrees to scream at her pet vampire. "AS I TOLD SERAS, I'VE SNAPPED! AND, ALSO, BY MY ORDER, YOU ARE ONLY ALLOWED TO SAY 'MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA' BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE IT! THIS WILL PROBABLY BE A RUNNING JOKE THROUGHOUT MOST OF THIS FANFIC!"

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!"

And, Lo! Standing directly in the path of our crazy people was a small, blue prune, dressed in a tiny coat and baseball cap, giving the party the oddest kind of look, the kind that makes the group of crazy people stop in their tracks. The kind of look that makes people not move...

'_DA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A! DA!DA! DA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A! DA! DA!'_

As the _Akira_ music started playing several large, brightly colored mechas appeared in the middle of London and started stomping towards the frozen group of six. The purple, horned one (whose footprints were leaving foot-deep indentations in the pavement shaped like Pikachus) slammed a large, circular cage with spikes on top of our favorite crazy people.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Alucard yelled, finding that he could move his lips again, and fired several rounds at the prune. A large blue hand quickly moved in front of Takeshi, taking the bullets. Alucard's eyes widened as said eyes traced a path up the long, Blue arm, up to the rectangular, Blue shoulder, and reached the cycloptic, Blue head, which was glaring angrily at him. The blue one grabbed the purple one by the horn (which fell off) and slammed it into the cage, straight through Alucard.

"_VRO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-OO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-AR!" _the purple one said as its mouth fell open, and it started stomping around London, smashing random buildings with its various appendages. A red mech with four eyes and two mouths jumped on the purple one's back, restraining it.

A silver mech looked on in distaste, and, at the sight of the red robot holding back the purple one, it slapped its great silver head and rubbed its forehead.

While Unit-01 was going berserk, Unit-00 twisted the purple horn around a few moe times, then squatted down in front of Takeshi.

"Thanks, Rei!" He smiled, and giggled. In Unit-00's cockpit Rei smiled, and lowered a giant blue hand to pick Takeshi up. He plopped down, and enjoyed the Elevator Ride From Hell as Rei hoisted the small prune up onto Unit-00's shoulder. "Yaaaay!" he squealed, and pointed his finger at a random Coke Machine, which exploded, and telepathically pulled one of the bottles up to his perch on Unit-00's shoulder. Unit-00 stomped off, back to the carriers, and the green Unit-05, with the incredibly handsome Author inside, hoisted up the round cage , whose occupants all screamed like little hamsters, and stomped after Unit-00. Inside, the Author grumbled.

"Rr-r-rgh. Stupid albino pig. Why do _I_ always have to carry the cage?"

Inside Unit-01's cockpit...

"A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A..." Shinji screamed.

"A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A..."

"This is Shinji." Dick said to Jane. "Look, Jane, this is Shinji. Shinji screams. Scream, Shinji, scream."

Shinji felt his 70-meter body do a spin kick, bringing Big Ben (the really big clock in London) to the ground, and screamed.

"A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A..."

It was then that Unit-02 jumped on Unit-01's back, and the two Evas almost looked like they were having sex, but that would take longer to write (though it WOULD make a good joke in the future), so they weren't.

Unit-04 stomped over, smashing several Mini Coopers on its way so Kaoru could vent, and wedged Unit-01's helmet piece and horn securely onto its head.

"Now, class," the irate Angel said twitchily (is that a word?) "What have we learned about going berserk and smashing London?"

Shinji sniffled a bit, and then "WA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A...". Unit-01's sniffled a bit as well, and then started weeping twin waterfalls, which quickly flooded London.

Kaoru grumbled some more, and the started screaming at Asuka. "ARGH! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! I CARRIED HIM LAST TIME! YOU CARRY HIM NOW!"

Asuka was quick to counter. "NO! THAT WOULD BE TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE! I'M A GIRL! HE'S A GUY! YOU WERE HIS LOVER BEFORE MISATO STRAIGHTENED HIM OUT! YOU FIX HIM!"

"HE'S GOING OUT WITH YOU NOW!" Kaoru screamed back, shaking his Eva's giant silver fist. "THEREFORE, YOU DO IT!"

"I'M A GIRL! I DUNNO WHO PUBLISHED THOSE PICTURES, BUT WHEN I FIND OUT, THEY'RE LUNCHMEAT!"

"**_WA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A!"_**

They compromised. They broke up several antique ships in the harbor and made an Eva-sized trebuchet, which they used to hurl Unit-01 back to NERV, where it smashed into HQ, and Fyutsuki sued Asuka for damages to his Disco Cage.

**NERV PSYCHIATRIC WARD: THE HUMOROUS DIVIDER (HOLDS UP SIGN "LAUGH")**

Alucard frowned as his master kicked him in the genitalia for the fiftieth time. He tightened his grip around her, making sure she didn't shred the NERV Vice-Commander. Whatever the hell that was. He never payed much attention to titles.

Fyutsuki groaned at the sight of Anderson. He'd had a fight with the bayonet-throwing priest at the bar a few years back, and they both had long memories. Anderson eyed him with contempt.

"Now," He groaned, massaging his forehead as he stared at his semi-empty Disco Cage (which had been destroyed by Unit-01 when it slammed into the wall of NERV HQ) "Would you repeat WHY you're here, please? Just for clarification. We at NERV get it, but our sponsors might not."

Maxwell groaned, his face burning red. "Ve Vere playing Poker," He began, adjusting his robes "and Valter-" He shot a dirty look at the old butler, who adjusted his monocle "-forgot to tell Integra-" he ponted at the squirming Hellsing director, who was dressed in a straighjacket "-to take her medication. So she forced Seras to vear zat gauzy bunny suit and Alucard to say nothing but "Muahahahahahaha", and dragged us out onto ze streets of London to run around and shoot zings."

"Un-n-n-n-ngh..." the Vice-Commander groaned. "I'll have to let the Acting Commander make judgement on this one. Hey, Sithboy!"

At the sound of that unearthly name, the lights dimmed, and "Satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones started playing. six seperate spotlights pointed at the break in the curtains which promptly blew apart to reveal...(drumroll)

A tall man in shiny black hightop boots with black bell-bottom pants, a black-and-pink tye-dye t-shirt with a shiny black breastplate covered in little buttons, a big black cape, and a black skull-shaped helmet with a pimp hat on top.

Enter Acting Commander Lord Darth Vader.

And then, in a horrifying, synthesized voice, it uttered a single command which would change the history of this FanFiction forever.

"**_I have heard their case, man, and I decree that they shall be detained at my bee-yoo-tee-ful new crib, NERV, Yo!"_**

Anderson fell down onto his knees and yelled, his arms raised in pleading defiance, "**NAY-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y...**"

**NERV PSYCHIATRIC WARD CHAPTER SIX END**


	7. Da Catfight of the Century

The Writer does not own Neon Genesis Evangelion or any of its characters. If Anno wishes it this story will be run through the side on the Spear of Longinus, because HE owns it, dammit, not the Writer.

_"Won't you be my neighbor, neighbor, neighbor..."_

Howdy doo, boys and girls of Readerland? Guess what-Mr. Writer's got another chapter for you! Just let me get into my-ow!-goddamn tennis shoes.

It seems that Kobayashi hasn't posted her licensed OAV type thingy quite yet. I wonder if she ever will. I can never tell with her.

Ah, screw that. Here it is, ladies and gentlemen. **_Live, from Writerland, it's NE-E-E-E-ERV PSYCH WARD!_**

NERV Psychiatric Ward Chapter Seven

The Bitchfight of the Century OR The Asuka Fan's Chapter

Asuka, Doctor Akagi's replacement while the aforementioned scientist was away in rehab at Arkham, strutted into her shiny new office, grinning like Christmas come early. How she loved to be recognized and rewarded and have her existence acknowledged! This was what she needed to keep her from going over the edge with that bipolar thing-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-AGH! NO-O-O-O-O! The Writer got serious for a moment and started talking about Asuka's motivation for existence and why she went Emo towards the end of the series! I'TS- **THE _END_ OF _EVANGELION_**!

Asuka slapped the Writer with her clipboard (Which appeared out of thin air and floated in front of her face until she slapped the Writer with it). She grinned. Oh, goody.

She plopped down in Doctor Akagi's leather chair, and grinned. Again. Grin. Grin grin grin. GRI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-N.

Where were her lab rats-er, patients?

Grinning, Asuka grabbed her telephone hotline to the office.

_**TAKE COVER!**_

"**_ALL RIGHT, VADER BOY!" _**she screamed into the red phone, grinning **_"WHERE THE HELL ARE MY PATIENTS? I'VE BEEN SITTING DOWN HERE FOR TWENTY MINUTES WITH THIS RIDICULOUS GRIN ON MY FACE, AND IT'S STARTING TO HURT! NOW GET ME SOME-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-GH!"_**

The almighty Sith lord, up in Central Dogma, brought his helmet up to his end of the red phone and placed it onto the grille covering his mouth hole, and breathed on it. This, of course, resulted in-

_**SCRE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-ECH!**_

And that, children, was why Asuka was rolling around on the floor, screaming, massaging her ears.

**NERV PSYCH WARD: HEY, WHO'S COUNTING?**

The Lord Darth Vader escorted the males of the Hellsing group, Walter (the piano-wire-wielding butler of DOOM!), Alucard(the super-powerful-yet-senile former Count Vlad Dracula), Anderson (The irate Scottish bayonet-wielding priest), and Maxwell (the insane bishop) to his private chambers. He felt sorry for these boys. He'd been sent to rehab centers with the Emperor before because they were associated with each other. None of them had _problems,_ per se, but… well… yeah. We won't go there. Oh well. He'd have people with whom to do things while Asuka sorted out that psycho-bitch Integra what's-her-face Hellsing. Hopefully they'll kill each other. He had fifty bucks on Integra, but Fyutsuki'd put his money on Asuka. It would be interesting. The Sith Lord grinned as best he could (It's hard, with that black mask, whose mouthpiece was taken from an old George Foreman grill).

That poor vampire girl Victoria was sane, that's for certain. But she seemed to have issues with her death, so he'd have her talk (A.K.A. locked in a room) with Rei. They can relate. And Rei, after having lost Asuka to Shinji, needed female companionship. Also, this fiction has been somewhat lacking in the fan service department as of late…

He stopped, his cape swishing. The other four men screeched to a halt, and Maxwell (at the rear) crashed into Anderson, triggering the inevitable domino effect that has amused people for so long. Darth Vader wobbled for a bit, then toppled over on his faceplate.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

The sounds of Scottish cursing and vampiric laughing filled the tall, dark (and HANDSOME!) hallways of NERV.

The Lord Darth Vader moaned, and started singing in that mechanical rasp of his **_"Fruede, schoner, Gotterfunken, …" _**in exasperation as he brushed himself off. Oh well. They'd made it to the Game Room.

Vader raised his arms high, and the massive, cast iron double-doors they stood in front of slowly creaked open, revealing a shining, golden light, kept trapped within for so long…

"**_Yeah, baby!" _**the Lord Darth Vader crowed as he strutted into the shining light, Ode to Joy reaching its climax. **_"Monopoly and GERMAN BEER!"_**

The rejoicing **BEGAN, baby!**

**NERV PSYCH WARD: WHAT, NOW THE WRITER HAS PROBLEMS TOO? YOU WANNA BET, PAL? BRING IT ON!**

Asuka, still grinning, reached deep, deep down inside herself and, straining every fiber over being, FINALLY stripped that Satanic grin off of her face. She sighed, and began to frown. Frown. Frown frown frown. Fro-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-own.

Asuka, still frowning, spoke. She spoketh. Speak. Speaketh. And Alas, I hath Speaketh, for Thou to Hearest!

The Writer assumes that the readers will be wanting to know what Asuka said when she spoke. And, of course, since the Writer is such a scumbag, he isn't going to tell the readers.

Okay, okay (the Author pokes the Writer with the Spear of Longinus). She said (drum roll)…

…

"This stuff with the facial expressions and other crap will probably be a running joke. Get used to it."

…

…

…

Well, you heard her! Get used to it, boys and girls! Please! PLEASE JUST GET USED TO IT! PLE-E-E-E-E-E-A-SE! IF YOU DON'T, THE REVIEWS (as scarce as they are already) WILL STOP COMING, AND THIS STORY WILL BE OVER, AND THE WRITER'LL BE OUT OF WORK! NO-O-O-O-O! WA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A…

…Ahem.

As the plot (if you can call it that) was saying…

Two guards, tightly holding a struggling blonde-haired woman with large, circular wire-rims, and tied in a straightjacket, tromped in, and rudely deposited said Hellsing Director into the small plastic chair opposite Asuka, across her desk. Integra stared sullenly at Asuka.

…

…

…

"…Why the hell am I here again?" Sir Hellsing asked no one in particular.

"Because you're a friggin' psycho." Asuka told her, just as sullenly.

"How, exactly, am I a psycho?" Integra asked quietly, getting that sweet, deadly smile every good psychopath gets when they're about to rip off their husband's face. Fortunately, Integra HAS no husband to this day (Yay! The Writer has a chance!) so Asuka would have to do.

"Bitch, you were running around London in a bunny suit! That constitutes a problem!"  
"And you're one to talk! YOU, Miss "I HATE EVERYTHING," Miss "I DON'T NEED FRIENDS, Miss-"

"**SHUT UP**! I…I…_WA-A-A-A-AH_! **_DIE, BITCH_**! Asuka screamed, whipping out a bazooka so ridiculously big that her Unit 02 shouldn't have been able to heft the thing onto its shoulder, much less Asuka herself. But she did, and fired it off.

(zoom out several million kilometers to a view of the peaceful, tranquil Earth, with a cute little fireball and matching mushroom cloud spawning and expanding over Japan…)

**NERV PSYCH WARD: COMMENCE THE IDIOCY!**

"Hah(hic)! Boardvalk isht MINE!" Maxwell crowed and slurred at the same time, taking another swig of that German-brewed goodness and pulling the blue property card towards himself.

"Dammit!" Walter hissed. All he had was Baltic Avenue, and that doesn't pay to well, now, does it class? Walter moaned, eying his ever-dwindling pile of cash.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Alucard rolled the dice, and held his vampiric breath (something vampires seldom do, having no need for oxygen).

…

…

…

"**_MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"_**

Free parking had been conquered once again.

"**My turn!**" The Dark Lord of the Sith grinned (yet again! Go, Vader, work those dead facial muscles!), scooping up the dice…

…And then, a distant, echoing voice penetrated the chamber walls…

"Walter! ALUCA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-AHD!

Everybody moaned.

**NERV PSYCH WARD: WE ALL LIVE IN A BIG GREY PYRAMID, BIG GREY PYRAMID, BIG GREY PYRAMID…**

Seras and Rei stared at each other, wondering what the hell they were doing in the lounge together. They just stared, red eyes clashing spectacularly with the yellow couches.

Stare. Stare stare stare. STA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-ARE.

…

And then the door opened, and something bad happened.

"Hey, Rei. Oh, hi! You're that new Victoria girl! Welcome to NERV!" Shinji greeted the two, and then went about his business, completely ignoring the existence of other humans on his plane of existence, heading over to the vending machines to get a pack of Gobstoppers and a Sprite.

Seras swooned.

**NERV PSYCH WARD: DIVIDER WARS! DI-DI-DIVIDER WARS!**

Back in London, a tall guy in wide-brimmed cowboy hat with a ponytail, one Pip Vernadette, twitched, and a cheap cigarette fell out of his mouth.

"Seras just fell for someone else." He muttered. He started to walk jerkily, with his hands extended forward, not unlike a zombie.

"_Kill!_"

**NERV PSYCH WARD: KILL!**

Up in the pile of rubble that once was Doctor Akagi's office, the two demons stared each other down, pawing the ground and snorting. The Red Devil vs. The Virgin of Steel. One on One.

Asuka's eye twitched.

"Someone just fell for my boyfriend." She muttered. She started to walk jerkily away from a bewildered Integra (who almost mistook her for a ghoul), and extended her arms forward, not unlike a zombie.

"_Kill!_"

**NERV PSYCH WARD: KILL! KILL! KILL KILL KILL! KI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-IL!**

Pip Vernadette staggered through the halls of the big pyramid-type thingy, repeating that one word, "_Kill!_", over and over again. He did so until he rammed into a redheaded fourteen-year-old girl, who seemed to be imitating him. The wound up tangled all over each other, Asuka displayed to provide the most fan service possible in that position without the removal of clothing. He wondered why she was imitating him so, until she slapped him, and their eyes met, and _he understood._

They both got up, and he started staggering/following her, both of them moaning that one word…

…

…

…

"**_KILL!_**"

**NERV PSYCH WARD: D00M!**

Rei held Seras's blankly smiling body in her lap, pressing her hand up against the vampire girl's oversized breast. Shinji went about his buiseness at the vending machine, ignoring Rei's activities in the background (he was used to them by now), and pried open a can of Sprite, which hissed and foamed, and he took a swig. He collapsed on the couch facing the door, and closed his eyes.

…

…

…

**BAM!**

The door gave way, slamming into the floor, as two zombie-like creatures staggered into the room. One resembled his girlfriend. How strange.

"**_KILL!_**"

"Um…Hi?"

**NERV PSYCH WARD CHAPTER SEVEN END**

DAMN, that took a long time to write! And I mean that! I didn't have any unfortunate computer failures, or vacations, or got lazy, it just _took a long time to write!_ Sorry 'bout that, ladies and gentlemen.

And lo! We've worked fan service into the Psych Ward again! How Lovely!

Ladies and gentlemen, a few hours ago I learned something horrible: that does not accept submissions written with Microsoft Works. Which is my word processor. So now I have to go through a complex series of cut-and-pastes to get my chapters from Works (because Works has error correction and spellcheck, something WordPad doesn't) to WordPad. And, while the files are smaller, it's just a _pain in the ass._ Thank You. Captain's Log, entry end.

_Rrrip_

_Splash…_


	8. Oh My God!

Honestly, does it look like the Writer owns Neon Genesis Evangelion? Please. I ain't got a pot to pee in, much less the ownership of one of the greatest anime ever to air on Cartoon Network, however censored (I just bought the box set. The truth is inside!). So no. I don't own it. Honestly. Get a life, baby. Yea-a-a-a-h! I also don't own Jesus, The Demented Cartoon Movie (Bless You, Mr. Beekveld), or OG (Opera Ghost). There's a good reason for that.

Fooby. I'm back, after a very, super-hyper-incredi-tively long absence (which was completely undeserved), and maybe, just maybe, I'll do more work on this. Yeah. Right. Ah-hah.

This was actually ready two weeks ago, but due to a problem with disks, got screwed up until I figured out how to run all the wireless crap.

NERV Psychiatric Ward

Chapter Eight

Oh My God!

Darth Vader stared out from over his hands, entwined in front of his face. He could feel the power emanating from this one, oh yes. This was the ultimate janitor, the Opera Ghost. He gazed at the white mask covering the left half of his newest employee's face, admiring the menacing, slightly demented smile. This was a _real, real pro,_ someone on par with his own abilities, yet one who did not mind getting his hands dirty.

"Pardon me, sir Vader, but might I inquire as to where you came by that cloak? My current on is, alas, beginning to show some fatigue, and I can see that yours is very high-grade."

_Oh, very good, very good indeed!_ The Dark Lord of the Sith thought. The Phantom knew how to flatter. This wasn't even near his best cape, the one he only took out on Fridays, but oh well.

"**It's made by Romefeller Foundation's C & C division. You can get one for $299.99.**" the Dark Lord answered. "**Now**, **_MOVE YOUR AS-S-S-S AND GO DO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O ALL THAT LORD VADER ASKS OF YOU-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U!"_**

"Interesting." the Phantom remarked, readjusting his mask. "I don't think anyone's tried that with the electronic sound. And now, Lord Vader, I must depart, because, sadly, there is work to be done."

"**I think you'll go far here, Mr. Phantom," Vader grinned. "Very far indeed."**

**NERV PSYCHIATRIC WARD: HAVE A NICE DIVIDER**

Rei Ayanami fired another burst of 20-mm high-explosive rounds over her shoulder, the barrels on her impossibly oversized gatling gun spinning wildly. On her other shoulder, she carried the deliriously happy Seras Victoria, who twitched slightly every time Rei's feet hit the floor. Yes, Rei Ayanami was running. Fast. Very, very fraggin' fast. Why, you ask? Well, it involves that-

"**_KILL!_**"

The zombie-ish form of Pip Bernadette lumbered after her a few dozen meters down the corridor. It needed to act quickly, or it might lose Seras forever. While either scenario would mean fan service, the Pip Loses Seras Scenario was (A) hotter, and (B), funnier, so a random piano took that moment to make its entrance, at five hundred miles an hour, straight down, right where Pip Bernadette's head needed to be.

Rei turned around slowly, staring for a time at the still-humming mass of wood and wire. After several minutes, the corners of her mouth twitched upward, and, still smiling sweetly, she raised the Gatling gun up to the piano-wreck's level. Seras twitched one more time before Rei slowly pulled the trigger, holding it down for precisely one minute, sending exactly 4,200 rounds into the piano. A one-eyed, Camel-smoking, pony tailed, cowboy-hat-wearing cherub strumming a harp with the barrel of a revolver floated up out of the bullet-ridden piano, doing its thing.

Laughing maniacally, the blue-haired pilot ran down the hallway, carrying the unconscious vampire over her shoulder, heading for the nearest available couch.

Jesus nodded approvingly. "It's nice to see that she has her priorities straight."

**NERV PSYCHIATRIC WARD: ZEEKY BOOGY DOOG**

Shinji Ikari backed farther into his corner, curling into a ball, hoping that the Red Death wouldn't break anything bigger than his metatarsals, but betting on something more like his vertebrae. Asuka stood above him, wearing nothing but a towel featuring a drunken Pikachu with a flamethrower, and growling lustfully.

_Jesus, can you hear me? I could really use that assist right now! HURRY U-_

Suddenly Asuka was on the other side of the room, slumped up against the wall, unconscious. Shinji looked out from under his arms to see a pair of large black boots, just before finding himself sprawled all over the floor, an enormous pain in his head. Just before he blacked out, he had a vision of the Author standing over him, saying to a grinning Integral Hellsing "_Damn,_ I needed that."

**NERV PSYCHIATRIC WARD: BA-DA-BOOM! … (cricket cricket) …**

Jesus looked down on the boy from his Desert Island in the Middle of the Sky, grinning at Shinji's predicament. "Some people just don't know when to let themselves get laid."

"Even as violently as that?" Gabriel asked, peering over the Son of God's shoulder.

"Take it or leave it."

"Whatever you say, boss." The Archangel said, whistling the Pokemon theme as he strutted over to the other side of the Desert Island.

**NERV PSYCHIATRIC WARD: STOP LAUGHING, GODDAMMIT!**

Alucard stood at the top of the NERV pyramid, looking Bored. That's what he was, of course, Bored. That's commonplace for the king of vampires, particularly when one lives for battle, yet (A) doesn't have an equal and (B) can't get laid. He cleaned Jackal and Casul (someone tell the Writer how to spell that; he thinks its right but he can't remember), looking Bored. He shot things, looking Bored. He tried to get the Eva to arm-wrestle him, because he was Bored, but Unit-01 wasn't in the mood, so Alucard stood on top of the pyramid, being Bored.

_"Nighttime sharpens, heightens each sensation. Darkness stirs and wakes imagination. Silently the senses abandon their defenses… Slowly, gently, night unfurls its splendor. Grasp it, sense it, tremulous and tender…"_

_WTF?_ Alucard thought, to use one of his fledgling's favorite expressions. That was his favorite song, the one he used to use to get some before Queen came along. Who the hell was singing? The Vampire God turned around to find the source of the music, and was utterly delighted.

"**MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MUAHA! MUAHAHAHA, MUAHA?** (Translation: Buddy! Phantom! How ya doin', you old dog?)"

"_Turn your face away from the garish light of day, and now let's go and grab a beer at Moe's! And let's belt out the Music of the Night!"_

The Creatures of Darkness bounced off into the night, heading off to Moe's for a beer, and to reminisce about old times, when they both could still get some.

**NERV PSYCHIATRIC WARD: FOR SOME REASON, THE OLLIN COULDN'T ATTAIN YOLTEOTL. IT JUST WASN'T THERE.**

The Author stared out at the mass of skyscrapers and concrete before him. He and his Psycho Peoples Club of Doom were situated at the top of a hill, observing the target.

Motoko Ayoma stared in wonderment at the massive broadsword the Author carried in his right hand, feeling inadequate.

"And what are we going after?" She asked the Author, polishing _Shisui_.

"That." the Legolas clone answered, pointing at Gotham city. "Resident Evil just moved in, and Veronica took a vacation with Batman to Vatican City, so we got called in."

"We're taking on _Resident Evil_ in the middle of _GOTHAM FRAGGIN' CITY?"_ Kobayashi screamed. "ARE YOU INSANE? YOU WANNA KILL US ALL? I SWEAR, IF I GET KILLED AND MY INSURANCE PREMIUMS GO UP, YOU PAYIN' FOR-"

The Author whacked the irate hyperactive voice-actor-wannabe on the back of the head with the flat of the Gigantic Oversized Evil Sword of Doom, knocking her out and leaving a mark. "**ANY OBJECTIONS? GOOD!**"

Jesus nodded. "Very good. He takes control. Now, go clean up Gotham."

The Author's little army charged down the hill into Gotham, shooting/cutting/stabbing/kicking/screwing the random zombies all over the nasty city.

"_WHY ARE WE DOING THIS AGAIN_?" Motoko yelled over the roar of dying zombies, efficiently removing the heads of three with one whack.

"_WELL, FOR STARTERS, I'M BORED!" _the Author yelled back, swinging Gigantic Oversized Evil Sword of Doom in a wide arc, leaving various undead without essential body parts, such as their upper halves. "_ALSO, WE'RE GETTING PAID A VERY HEFTY S-_oh shit."

Suddenly, all movement in Gotham stopped. Motoko looked around quickly, wondering what was going on, until her eyes made their way to the sky.

"Oh, SHIT!"  
**"INCOMING!"**

**DO D-DO D-DO-O-O-O! "WHE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E!"**

Fooby the Kamikaze Watermelon had Made His Entrance.

**"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE-E-E-E-E!"**

The rocket-powered watermelon dove straight down towards Gotham, googley-eyeing in anticipation. Just a bit more…

Splat.

And, as Mr. Random Person said, they all died. But then again, that's what NERV's clone tanks were for. Hey, at least the zombies were gone. Then again, Batman'd have to clean up all the watermelon crap covering the streets of Gotham.

Sucks to be him.

**NERV PSYCHIATRIC WARD: YOU CAN BE MY YOKO ONO (WO WO WO) YOU CAN FOLLOW ME WHEREVER I GO, YOU CAN BE MY (BE MY) BE MY YOKO ONO…**

Shinji Ikari groaned, massaging his head. He was afraid of what he would find when he opened his eyes.

Fear is good.

Of course, being the curious type (as well as he hid it), Shinji did open his eyes. And, of course, he was on a train.

"Goddammit, not again."

Shinji looked out the window, wondering when something incomprehensible and mentally traumatizing was going to happen.

The IAMT (Incomprehensible and Mentally Traumatising) took that very moment to occur.

"Heya, mate."

"**OH MY GOD! A-A-A-A-A-A-A--A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-AGH!"**

It was, of course, Thomas the Tank Engine.

**NERV PSYCH WARD: LIKE, YA-A-A-A-A…**

Jesus grinned. "I love this job."

**NERV PSYCHIATRIC WARD: LA-A LA. (LA) LA-LA-LA-LA LA-A LA. (LA) LA-LA-LA-LA LA-A LA. (LA) LA-LA-LA-LA LA-A LA. (LA) LA-LA-LA-LA LA-A LA. (LA) LA-LA-LA-LA LA-A LA. (LA) LA-LA-LA-LA LA-A LA. (LA) LA LA-LA-A LA. (LA) LA LA-LA-A LA. (LA)… (RECOGNIZE IT YET? THESE DIVIDERS TAKE WAY TOO LONG TO COME UP WITH. HINT: GA-A-A-A-A-Y…)**

Alucard and the Phantom both threw back another pint of Fooby's Finest, laughing and singing.

"Fre-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e her, he shays!" the Phantom slurred, giggling. "That wash sho utterly wonderful!"

"**MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! **(That kid'sh hairdo wash wa-a-a-ay pasht da Point a' No Return.)" Alucard roared drunkenly, slapping the Phantom on the back. "**MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! **(I tell ya, OG, dat wash perfect, da way you led al a' dose suckers on! I couldn'ta' done it better ma' shelf!)"

Jesus tapped his watch. "Three…Two…One…"

"**ALUCA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-AHD!**"

"**MUAHAHAHAHAHA! **(Goddammit!)"

**NERV PSYCHIATRIC WARD: I SAW A FILM TODAY, OH BOY. THE ENGLISH ARMY HAD JUST WON THE WAR…**

Gendo stared out past his prissy little white gloves, looking very pleased with himself. At last, his plans were coming to fruition!

For no apparent reason, Gendo started talking to thin air. "Status report, Mr. Data. I SUMMON THE WINGED DRAGON OF RA! SAILO-O-O-O-O-OR CRYSTA-A-A-A-AL POWER-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R! Goddammit, Scotty, I need warp drive NOW! STAR WARS! La Da Da STAR WARS! La Da Da Dee… SUGAR RUSH!"

For No Apparent Reason™, a random secretary-type person strolled in. "I he-e-ve ye-e-r sta-a-atus repert, ceme-e-e-ender." the random secretary person switched to an Ahnold-type voice. "Ya, the Jackass Excused from Stealing your Ugly Stick has been completed, and will be fully operational by 1800 hours, ya. We kick their scrawny little buts, oh ya-a-a-a-a-"

"Random Secretary-Type-Person."

"Ya, Boss?"

"One: Kill the accents. Two: For the last fraggin' time, you're supposed to call it the JESUS. Just use the acronym. It's funnier, and there are idiots out there who need things spelled out for them. Like The Writer."

"Yes sir."

"Now, get out of my office." Gendo yanked the random rope appearing next to his chair.

"Sir?"

"Goddammit! I just got this stupid thing fixed! Why, dear God in heaven above, doesn't the pit ever work in my office? I PAYED FOR THIS ONE! YOU TOLD ME I SHOULD PAY FOR IT INSTEAD OF JUST REQUESITIONING IT, AND I DID, AND **IT STILL DOESN'T WORK! _WHY? SWEET RAHXEPHON, WHY?_**

God stared at the irate Commander for a second, and then shook his head. "Ikari, for the last time, you have to buy NEW Pits™. The only reason anybody would throw out a Pit™ or send it to a retail shop is because it's a piece of junk. You should have just requisitioned a new Pit™ if you didn't want to pay full price." God got off his throne and jumped down to office level. "Here, let me fix that." The Lord summoned his ACME Gigantic Ant/Cockroach-Stepper-Crusher-Killer and dropped it on Random Secretary Person, removing her from this time continuum.

"Thanks, God! You saved the day!"

"Certainly, Ms. Lane. I hope this hasn't put you off of flying-it's still statistically the safest way to travel." God extended his arms in front of him and flew off, red cape fluttering on the wind.

"Wait. What?"

**"FIFTY LASHES!"**

**NERV PSYCHIATRIC WARD: (INSERT BAD JOKE HERE)**

"**MUAHAHAHAHAHA!**" (Master! What the hell is this? It was just starting to get fun, and you screw it all up! Again! For the love of God, LAY OFF!)

"Enough of your shit, Alucard." Integra sighed, sticking her crucifix into the No-Life King's crotch. "You see that? ALUCARD! GODDAMMIT, LISTEN TO WHAT I'M SAYING!" The Count didn't answer, of course, because he was writhing around on the ground, whimpering in pain.

"OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL THAT I KNOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT I MISSED!"

"**MUAHAHAHAHA!**" Alucard said in a high-pitched, pained voice, tears streaming down the side of his face.

"You're not faking it, are you."

"**MUAHAHAHAHA!**"

Integra slapped herself on the forehead, moaning.

Asuka (Who had been standing there, dressed in bright red battle armor, twirling around a sword the size of Alucard himself; of course, the reader didn't know, seeing as the Writer hadn't mentioned it yet.) screamed. Scream. Scream scream scream. Scre-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e…

Anyway. M-hm. BACK TO WORK!

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS! YOU DRAG ME OUT HERE, CHALLENGE ME TO A DUEL, AND THEN YOU YOINK SOME HALF-ASSED VAMPIRE GOD OUT HERE TO TAKE YOUR PLACE? OH MY GOD, I CAN'T _BELIEVE_ YOU PEOPLE!"

Everything stopped.

Alucard, still slightly bowl-legged, slowly turned to face Asuka, accompanied by a grinding noise, looking Not Pleased™. He whipped out a very large, very heavy sword with Monty Python's rabbit for a hilt and stuck it into the ground. He pointed his right index finger at Asuka, and slammed the fist of the same dexterous association into the palm of it's opposite.

The world ended right then and there.

**NERV PSYCH WARD: DAMN! THIS IS A LONG ONE!**

Jesus twitched.

"Oh, Daddy, no!"

"Dammit!" God swore. "I just fixed that rock! Buddha! Get Alucard out of the way!"

"What about Asuka?" the aforementioned statue-deity called up from the Random Temple down the heavenly street.

"I'll have Raphael and Michael charge her from the front while Gabriel sneaks up from behind and clubs her over the head with a baby seal."

"A baby seal?"

"Anno Hideaki's sick sense of humor. They made her only weakness Raggedy Ann's and baby seals. A lot of people say they hate humans because they destroy their environment, but really, it's because Misato takes one of their number every day and clubs Asuka over the head."

"Hey…"

"What?"

"Where's Uriel?"

"They sent him off to Jamaica for a while so the Writer could figure out how to spell his name."

"Ah."

"Damn that dictionary. He asked for an Oxford for Christmas, but never got it."

"That sucks."

"I know how he feels. As God, I should be able to get one."

_**We at the Oxford Institute of Language have attempted to correct this problem by sending God the latest version of our complete dictionary, but, sadly, have been unable to get an address. **_

**NERV PSYCHIATRIC WARD: SWEET JESUS. HOW LONG WILL THIS DAMN THING GO ON, ANYWAY?**

Alucard charged Asuka.

Asuka charged Alucard.

And everybody died.

No, scratch that. Asutralia died. They're inconsequential, anyway.

_**The Writer holds absolutely no animosity towards Australia or any other of the inconsequential islands. He loves those inconsequential islands with all his heart (well, a bit of it, at least).**_

"_AIE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E!" _Buddha came flying out of nowhere, slamming into Alucard's head. The Bunny Blade went flying and slammed into New Zealand, thus removing another inconsequential island from the map. Alucard and the flying statue careened off over the NERV pyramid, landing on another inconsequential island yet to be named.

"R-r-r-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-AGH!" guess who screamed that? Asuka kept on charging, swinging the Evil Oversized Sword of Doom she stole from the Author's closet. Innocents died. She kept on going in straight line, killing innocents, until she hit the bottom of the Pyramid. She looked up.

"COME AND GET IT, BOYS!"

Michael and Raphael came charging down the pyramid, swinging bike chains and tire irons, their little wings fluttering cutely in the wind. Asuka, in turn, charged upward, red armor gleaming in the sunlight.

"Croike!"

She brought the Evil Oversized Sword of Doom down onto Michael's tire iron, grinning madly. Raphael whipped his bike chain at the Red Devil, but she caught that in her other hand. She opened her mouth, and, for no apparent reason, a little tongue with teeth popped out, causing many copyright suits with the-

**_WHACK!_**

Gabriel stood over the unconscious redhead's body, twirling a similarly unconscious baby harp seal around his head.

"Dude!" grinned Raphael

"Dude." Gabriel smiled, patting the seal's head.

**THE END. DU-U-U-DE! NOT.**

Asuka crawled out from under the rubble, growling her demented little growl. She noted Alucard doing the same half a mile away, with the added bonus o hurling the Buddha statue back where it came from.

**"Now, where were we?" **the No-Life King growled, his black aura flaring outward and spawning random arms and legs and bangs in odd places.

**_"I believe I was about to KICK YOUR ASS!"_** the Red Devil screamed, hurling herself back at the Count.

Innocents _died,_ man, _died._

**NERV PSYCHIATRIC WARD: DID THE 'THE END" PART MAKE YOU LAUGH? OH. DAMN.**

Auriel looked down on the carnage.

"Aw, shit."

Mizakiel took **AFFIRMATIVE ACTION™**. "Yo, boss!" he yelled up to God. "We got a situation over here!"

"Wha-**OH MY SELF!**"

"Sir?" Michael looked up from his book.

"What?"

"That was bad."

"Oh, Damn."

**"SHIT!"** Jesus expleted, eyes widening. "**THAT'S IT! I'M GOIN' IN! PETER! COVER FOR ME!"**

"Righto, chief!" the apostle grinned. "I'm sittin' in the Lord's right hand, oh yeah! I'm sittin' in the Lord's right hand, oh yeah! I'm sitti-"

The left hand of said Lord came crashing down upon the occupant of its partner, making an angelic little splat.

**NERV PSYCHIATRIC WARD: OOH, EEH, OOH AH AH, TING TANG WALLA WALLA BING BANG, OOH, EEH…**

Sachiel blew up another building, wondering when he was gonna die.

That was the whole point of this, wasn't it? To die in some stupid and anticlimactic way? That's what the Writer-

Eva Unit-04 landed squarely atop Sachiel, silvery armor still glowing from the jump down from the moon, effectively splatting the Angel.

Kaoru looked down, admiring his handiwork. "Exactly." he told the purple goo pile.

**NERV PSYCHIATRIC WARD: NYA NYA NYA NYA NYA NYA NYA.**

Allegretto floated over the pyramid, wondering where the hell she was.

Yes, the Dolem was hopelessly lost. Damn that roadmap. She tried to angrily flutter her arm-wing type things and kick her feet in frustration, but, sadly, the purple behemoth was made entirely out of clay, and, thus, had no moving parts. Or legs, for that matter. She began to sing a frustrated-sounding song, seeing as that that was all she could do to vent (having, once again, no moving parts).

_VRO-O-O-O-O-OAR…_

No. It couldn't _possibly_ be…

It was.

There floated Evangelion Unit-01, decked out in a seventy-meter-high tuxedo, clenching the World's Largest Rose in it's considerably large-sharp teeth.

God, this was going to be fun.

Unit one glided over, taking her by the waist, and the two purple entities began a slow waltz, complete with Mozart and an Eva-sized string quartet. More innocents died. Again.

**NERV PSYCHIATRIC WARD: MACKEY HAD DIS SIXTEEN-GAUGE SO HE…**

Asuka and Alucard brought their swords together, Python Bunny clashing with Wicked Witch of the East. The two stared at each other, locked in combat , Loathing™ each other.

_"Halleluiah! Halleluiah! Halleluiah! Ha-le-e-lu-u-iah! Halle…"_

The two looked up from their combat to see where the music was coming from, and were utterly astounded as the clouds parted…

A soft, golden light overcame everything, as a long staircase descended from heaven. Jesus stalked down aforementioned staircase, frowning like somebody had stolen his lucky fighter-jet underwear.

Alucard got down on one knee and placed his hands over the pommel of the Bunny Blade, in the classical knight's gesture of fealty. Asuka gaped.

Jesus stepped lightly off of the Golden Staircase, unsheathing his Fish as he went. Jesus had what was undoubtedly the coolest Fish around; it was at least three feet long, and had the general appearence of a salmon, but, again, was much cooler.

The Son of God stopped in front of the Red Devil first, spinning his Fish like a baton.

"Well?"

"Uh..."

**_WHACK._**

"THE SIXTH COMMANDMENT! 'THOU SHALT NOT MAKE INNOCENTS DIE, SCUM!'" The Son of God screeched, whacking Asuka reeatedly with the Fish.

**_WHACK. WHACK. WHACK. WHACK._**

Asuka lay twitching on the ground.

"Now, Alucard," Jesus started "You know and I know that I can beat the snot out of you in a heartbeat; lucky for you, though, I'm not in the mood right now. So let's leave it at that, shall we?"

**"MUAHAHAHA. MUAHA."**

"Good. I'm glad we understand each-what's that sound?"

"CHA-A-A-A-A-A-A-ARGE"!

"**MUAHA?"**

"Oh SHIT! RUN FOR IT!" Jesus screamed, grabbing Alucard by the hand and oulling him towards the Golden Staircase.

And lo, on the hilltop, stood Kozo Fyutsuki, holding Excalibur high over his head. Behind him, a massive army of irate schoolteachers and cheap Eva-ripoffs streamed over Kozo's hill, trampling the plains below. Just in time, Rei dropped outof the random helicopter and strapped Asuka to a rope, throwing Walter-in the cockpit-a thumb's up sign. The chopper lifted off just in time to avoid getting sucked in.

"Hurry up!" Jesus yelled over his shoulder running even faster up the Golden Staircase.

"**MUAHAH-oh SHIT!**" Alucard's speech impediment abruptly broke.

"It's RahXephon, only worse!" Walter screamed, abruptly pointing the chopper the other way.

Lo, for there, in the sky, flew a ginat white, humanoid shape, with wings and no feet, and a face like that of John Cleese, belting out an off-key rendition of "The Star-Spangled Banner."

Gendo had turned on the JESUS.

**THE END! Finally.**


End file.
